Jaws: The Revenge

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

Director: Joseph Sargent

Writer: Michael De Guzman

Stars: Lorraine Gary, Lance Guest, Mario Van Peebles, Michael Caine

The Skinny:

When Ellen Brody loses her youngest son to a freak shark attack, her eldest son Michael takes her to Bermuda where he and his family live for a vacation. Only problem is, the shark that chowed down on her younger son has followed them and it's looking to settle the score with the Body's once and for all. (No I'm not making this up.) This time it's personal. Oh hell yeah it's fucking personal alright! I take this affront to Peter Benchley's awesome creation very personal!

My Two-Cents:

The other day I was chilling with a friend as she lazily scrolled through the gazillion channels on the cable channel guide. Suddenly she exclaims "Oh, look Jaws! That's like your favorite movie right?" and she proceeds to select it. I was texting at the time and didn't see which "Jaws" flick it was. I looked up hoping to see Spielberg's masterpiece and instead came face to face with a film I hold such an intense loathing for that all my friends know better then to even allude to it; the horrid "Jaw's: The Revenge.

I immediately turned to my friend and gave her a look so venom filled that she shrank back in terror. "Change it. Now." was all I said in a voice that would make Regan from "The Exorcist" cringe.

What my poor, unsuspecting companion didn't know was while "Jaws" ranks as my number 2 all time fav movie (Ghostbusters is numero uno.), The 4th installment in the franchise is my most hated of hated films. This rotten vagina induces a violent rage in me that even the mere mention of it causes me to ball my fist and grind my teeth. I FUCKING HATE THIS FLICK!

Reviewing this one isn't easy. I had to stop myself from attacking the monitor several times. The swearing that emanated from my house while I wrote this frightened the hell out of my neighbors. But I had to review it, I had to warn all the poor assholes who never saw this cinematic abortion. This vomit inducing stain on the "Jaws" series. FUCK YOU JOSEPH SARGENT FOR MAKING THIS PILE OF MAGGOT FECES!

Ok, let me focus for a minute and try to explain how fucked up this film is, how insanely awful it is. As mentioned before, the film stars Lorraine Gary returning to the role of Ellen Brody. We learn she is a widow now because Chief Brody apparently died. (Roy Scheider declined to be in this used tampon. Smart man.) We are told the Chief dropped dead of a heart attack due to fear of the shark. Yup, the badass guy who faced down two giant sharks and lived, died from fear. Way to disrespect the coolest character in the series right at the top of the movie. Assholes!

Ellen's youngest son, who is now Chief of Police in Amity, is attacked by a shark while on a boat in the dead of winter. That's right, he was attacked while ON a boat.

Her oldest son, now a Marine Biologist in Bermuda (Because having experienced three giant shark attacks and watching people you care about getting fucking eaten, instills a love of the ocean in you.) flys in for the funeral and talks his mother into returning to Bermuda with him for a vacation. She agree's and off they go.

But guess what? The shark that killed her youngest son follows them. No really, it follows them. THE FUCKING SHARK FOLLOWS THEM!!!!! They didn't take a boat, they FLEW! How the fuck did the shark know where they went? Does it have GPS? Did it have a shark contact in Bermuda that called it up and said "Yo, your never gonna guess who I just saw. You know that family you been trying to eat? Well guess what? They're here in Bermuda!"

This has to be the absolutely dumbest fucking plot I have EVER seen in a movie and I've watched "Spice World"! Did the filmmakers think the audience was that fucking stupid that we'd accept such a ludicrous premise? Oh but wait, it gets better. The fucking shark is out for revenge! It somehow knows the Brody's have killed 3 other sharks and it's pissed. That's right, it's stalking the Brody's cause they killed his homies! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!!! This isn't fucking "Orca" or some other low brow monster of the sea flick, this is a mother fucking "JAWS" flick. Have some fucking respect! What the fuck were they thinking? How in their right minds did they think this was a good idea?

They actually try to explain this in what is the most fucking unbelievably, jaw droppingly retarded way. The shark and the Brody's have a psychic bond...excuse me I have to go slam my head into a concrete wall several times.

Back.

You may be asking "But does it have some cool shark attacks?" The answer is no. Aside from the blink and you'll miss it attack on Ellen's youngest son, there is only one other shark attack. Just one. Did the filmmakers not realize that people watch "Jaws" flicks to watch people get turned into shark food? Was this fucking concept lost on them? The one shark attack isn't bad, but it's brief and once that load is shot, that's all she wrote. The rest of the film is inane and boring. Yeah, there is a run in with the shark by Michael and his team, but it's nothing exciting. BTW, when Michael almost gets eaten by the shark and barely escapes he decides he and his crew should not tell anyone about the shark so they can study it. So wait a minute, you have this character who survived 3 different shark attacks, saw people brutally killed, he has a family, a daughter living nearby and he just barely survived another attack by this giant fucking killing machine and he DOESN'T FUCKING TELL ANYONE?! That has to be the most despicable, asshole move I have ever seen! Apparently the shark ate the wrong fucking brother! Did I mention I fucking HATE this flick?

The saddest thing about this abomination is that it had a good cast that was completely wasted. Lorraine Gray is a great actress and does her best here try to fill Schneiders large shoes. Lance Guest is a likable actor (Loved him in "The Last Starfighter") but his character is such an enormous asshole here that you want nothing to do with him. Van Peebles, whose movies I've greatly enjoyed in the past, does an annoying Jamaican accent here and you desperately want him to become shark chow. The most amazing thing is that the filmmakers managed to get Michael Caine for this mess! Man he must have been slumming! He does his best here, but no amount of good acting could save this fucking piece of trash.

Of course the "Jaws" theme by the great John Williams is there, which only serves to remind you that, yes, this is supposed to be a "Jaws" movie.

The ending is just as bad as the rest of the flick, if not worse. By that point though, nothing should fucking surprise you. Jaws takes down a plane (Yup I'm serious) and the Brody's have a showdown with the shark. There is actually two endings. Both suck. That's all I'll say about that.

Look, everyone knows the first film was a masterpiece. The second entry was no where near as good, but it was fun. The third entry was a mess with the shitty 3D and poorly written story, but it's tolerable in a pinch. No, the sequels aren't great, but they manage to keep the spirit of the first film alive. This piece of dung not only destroy's that spirit, it effectively ended the "Jaws" franchise! To this day we haven't seen another "Jaw's sequel. Instead we are bombarded with brainless Syfy channel bullshit, which I enjoy by the way, because they are laugh out loud funny. But those films are meant to be shitty and over the top. We expect much more from a "Jaws" flick.

I didn't even give this flick one blood soaked butcher knife, because it doesn't fucking deserve one. This is the worst, god awful mess ever put to celluloid. "Plan 9 from Outer Space" looks like an Oscar contender next to this garbage. This pile of junkie vomit, this Baboon feces, this coke bottle up the ass! I rather fuck a VD ridden junkie whore raw while she's on her period and withdrawing then sit through this fucking pile of whale diarrhea ever again! It doesn't deserve to be called a "Jaws" movie! FUCK JAWS: THE REVENGE! FUCK JOSEPH SARGENT, FUCK THE CAST FOR BEING IN IT, FUCK SPIELBERG FOR NOT STOPPING THIS, AND FUCK ANYONE THAT THINKS IT'S A GOOD MOVIE!!!!! FUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....ok, I feel better now.