Absurd

Absurd (1981)

Director: Peter Newton (Joe D'Amato)
Writer: John Cant (George Eastman)
Stars: George Eastman, Annie Belle, Charles Borromel

      

My Two-Cents:

     Say what you will about Joe D'Amato (Billed as Peter newton here), but dude makes some interesting, if not cheap, flicks. He gave us the vastly under-appreciated "Beyond the Darkness" (1979) and then treated us to the gory romp "Anthropophagus" (1980). A year later he gave us the film I'm reviewing, "Absurd"...or "Horrible, or Anthropophagus 2" or "Monster Hunter" or The Grim Reaper 2" or whatever the fuck it's called! It has a lot of names!
     It needs to be mentioned that this flick is NOT a sequel to "Anthropophagus" in any way despite it often being labeled as such. It's a completely different film. In some markets it was billed as the sequel to D'Amato's earlier film because that film was a hit and greedy producers were hoping to bamboozle movie goers into shelling out their hard earned dough by letting them think they were going to see a sequel. Dicks.
   
     Anyhoo, here's the plot: A lunatic escapes from a mental asylum and goes on a murderous rampage. His doctor teams up with the local police to try to find and stop him. The Lunatic eventually finds his way to a house where two kids are being watched by a young female babysitter. Sound familiar? Yeah, John carpenters gonna be pissed!
     In 1978 the world was introduced to Carpenters baby, "Halloween". Michael Myers was born and so was the slasher genre. Fast forward to 1981. Halloween had a successful sequel and a popular TV run. It's influence was still very strong as could be seen by the many clones cluttering the cinema's at the time. Clearly D'Amato caught the "Halloween" bug, because "Absurd" def borrows from the classic slasher. I say "borrows" even though other people say "Rips off" because while the structure of the film follows that of "Halloween" there is enough differences for "Absurd" to stand on it's own.
   
     Aside from writing the screenplay (Though under the name John Cant.) as he did in "Anthropophagus", big George Eastman play's the lunatic...again. He's fun to watch but there really is no difference between the psycho he played in "Anthropophagus" and the one he plays here except in this flick he has a "Healing Factor". Oh yeah, forgot to mention that. George is essentially Wolverine on PCP here. His body is able to quickly heal from just about any attack on it. Bullets, knives, fire, etc.
     The rest of the acting? Well, while nobody was in danger of winning an Oscar, it's not horrible. I mean it won't have you rolling your eyes...too much. The dubbing wasn't too bad either.
   
     Probably this films biggest strong point is it's liberal use of catsup. D'Amato packs this bitch with lot's of yummy scenes. My gorehounds won't be let down. This one def up's the slaughter. However, while "Absurd" delivers more scenes of carnage, none of them really have the impact the two infamous scenes in "Anthropophagus" had. So it's a trade off. That's not to say there isn't some brutal shiz waiting for your sick ass. The gore effects are done pretty well for a low budget affair. Then again, the Italians never cease to amaze me when it comes to their skills with catsup.
     For my money though, it's all about the oven scene. D'Amato deserves a gold star for that one. Did that shite perfect. I really felt for that character! Plus I was yelling at another character to "hurry the fuck up" like Ralph Kramden
     The ending is supposed to be shocking. While it is visually interesting and I guess disturbing, I couldn't help laughing. Not sure why. Maybe I forgot to take my meds before watching this flick that day. The scene just struck me as...well....absurd.
   
     Now I know my pervs are waiting to hear about the oodles of flesh on display, I mean it is an Italian film after all. A D'Amato film to boot. Gotta be some goodies, right? Alas, me pervs, there be no nudity to see here. None at all. Well, the ladies get to see Big George's bare chest. Bout it. Sorry.
   
     The score throughout is pretty decent. It helps build tension in the right places and adds to the general sense of foreboding, though one of the song's that play's whenever psycho George is around, sounds like the poor man's version of the "Halloween" theme. I'm sure that's just coincidence... Yeah, and I'm sure that chick I banged last week didn't know she had the Clap.
   
     So how does it all tally up in the end? Is it as good as "Anthropophagus"? Well, that's not really a fair question. In my opinion they are two different kinds of films. "Anthropophagus" is more in the vein of flicks like "TCM" (If you don't know what that stands for quickly back away from this review and never stain my sites with your horror ineptitude.) and "The Hill's Have Eyes", while "Absurd" is more a slasher (Ya think? It only copied the granddaddy of slashers.) So comparing the two is apples and oranges.
     However, personally speaking, I felt "Anthropophagus" was a more effective film in terms of tension and atmosphere. Eastman's nutjob was hardly seen until mid way through the flick and then mostly in shadows. Made his character more threatening. In "Absurd" we meet the killer in the first minute of the flick and there is barely any build up to his attacks. We know when he is about to do some crazy shiz. Given D'Amato "borrowed" so much from "Halloween" you'd have thought he'd have "borrowed" some suspense.
     Still, Eastman's character does have a menace about him, after all, he's fucking seven feet tall,  unstoppable, and several sandwiches short a picnic basket! I sure as hell wouldn't want to run a fowl of his ass!
     At the end of the day, while I enjoyed "Anthropophagus" more, I still found "Absurd" entertaining. It's far from perfect, but the kills are fun and messy and the story, which at times makes no fucking sense, manages to keep your attention. The "Healing" thing is kinda cool and different too.
     I give this one two and a half blood soaked butcher knives. It's not perfect, but it still entertains. However, as I warned in my review of "Anthropophagus", if you don't like Italian horror, your probably not gonna care for this flick. Italian horrors are an aquired taste, like one legged strippers. So think about that before you decide to watch this one.
     Well, that be my word. Fire up the ol VCR and give this one a go. Me? Well I gotta run, left something in the oven.
*Note: After you see the flick you'll get that last joke. Probably still won't be funny, but you'll get it.
   

I think I feel a headache coming on...

Anybody got a band-aid?

Hey there! Just thought I'd pop by and share a refreshing Dr. Pepper! 

It makes the world taste better!

     
     

Evil Toons

Evil Toons (1992)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writers: Fred Olen ray

Stars: David Carradine, Dick Miller, Madison Stone, Stacey Six

My Two-Cents:

     So I originally caught this movie on "USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear" (She had me "Up" all night alright!) back in the day. I liked it then and I like it now, which is amazing when you stop and consider it. I mean, this flick has a lot of flaws, such as: A.) The title says "Evil TOONS". "TOONS" as in plural, when actually there is only one and we don't see him very often. B.) The acting is porno level. (There's a reason for that though.) C.) The story makes absolutely no fucking sense! 

     But I'll be damned if this bitch ain't pretty entertaining!

      Lore has it, director Fred Olen Ray, who also did the obscure yet worthy "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" and later a ton of softcore porn, pitched the idea for this flick to legendary low-budget producer Roger Corman and promised he could do it for only $250,000. Corman passed though, on the grounds that...and get this...he felt the budget was TOO LOW! Wow, I didn't think there was a budget low enough for the King of Schlock!

     Anyway, Ray was determined to make the flick, so he scrounged up $140,000 dollars, an insanely low amount of money to make a film with, even then, and somehow managed to deliver a film that is both silly and fun. I mean you know just what your in for when the movie starts with a disclaimer stating what you are about to see is a true story!

     

     So what's it about you ask, well let me tell ya! 

     Four smoking hot babes who work for a cleaning service (If cleaning ladies really looked like that I'd be one messy sonofagun!) are sent to an old spooky house for the weekend to clean it up for the peeps who just bought the place. Little do they know, the place has a gruesome past: It's haunted by David Carradine! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

     Ok, it's also home to an evil book that looks suspiciously like a certain Necronomicon...but I digress. Like all evil books, it contains spells to raise evil monsters. The ladies get the book and are warned not to read from it. So what do the four cleaning bimbo's do? Yup, they read from the fucking book. Faster then you can say Hanna-Barbera, a demon toon is summoned and the fun begins.

     Like I said, the acting is terrible. Well, the always welcome Dick Miller is the exception. Dude is always great in whatever he's in. 

     Remember I said the acting was porno level? Well aside from the fact that the director now does softcore porn, two of the actresses are porn stars! Madison Stone and Stacey Nix know their way around a penis, and because they aren't afraid to sport their birthday suits around a camera, they were offered roles in the film. Stone, despite her porn acting, manages to be pretty likable, and not just because she's nude most of the time. She manages to put a little more into her performance then the other girls. What? I don't know, but it's there.

     The late David Carradine isn't horrible, but the dialogue he has doesn't do him any favors. I don't know how the hell he kept a straight face while delivering them!

     Now usually acting this bad would sink a movie, but not this bitch! The actors know they aren't in a  contender for an Oscar nomination and you can tell their having a blast. 

     The animation effects weren't too bad, and the actors at least did a decent job of pretending to interact with it. I mean it ain't fucking Roger Rabbit or nothing, but it worked. Only problem is the "toon" isn't around much. Ya see, the little fucker can morph into real people, which he does a lot. Yeah, don't try to figure that out, just go with it.  

     

     On the downside, my gorehounds are gonna be seriously let down here. There is very little catsup on display. Half of it is animated. Sorry...

     ...my Pervs though, boy do I have good news for you! We get treated to some of the most beautiful breast this side of the Playboy mansion! Plus, Madison Stone gives us a very sultry little strip dance that is worth the price of admission alone! Ah, fun times!

     So, you may be asking, aside from the nudity, what is so entertaining about this flick? First off, there's lots of nudity. Second there's lots of nudity. Third, this film does not take itself seriously in the least. The filmmakers knew this wasn't going to be the next big horror flick. They made a cheap film that delivers bad laugh out loud dialogue, a different yet nutty plot, and acting so crappy it'll have your sick ass cracking up!

     What can I say? Despite being awful in so many ways, it still manages to be a butt load of fun. This is camp with a capital "C". I mean, we get scene's like the one where Dick Miller's character is watching "Buckets of Blood" starring...Dick Miller! We also get to witness what has to be the first sexual assault on a female by a cartoon character! Then there's the toon himself who delivers some priceless lines like "You little bitch! I'll get even with you in the sequel for this!" which almost made me spit out my Yuengling!

     The filmmakers walked a fine line between campy fun and shitty film and managed to maintain the former. This one gets three blood soaked butcher knives cause sometimes I like to kick back, turn off my brain, smoke a J, and just be entertained. For my money, "Evil Toons" let's me do just that. Nuff said!

     Now if we can just get a porn where real people screw cartoons. The toons gotta be Disney Princess's though. Yeah, definitely Disney Princess's. Especially Jasmine...I love me some Jasmine! She can rub my magic lamp any day! Little Arabian slut! Uh...what was I talking about?

    

                                                  I call this position "The Walt Disney"!

                                       Hey, check out these tits, there as big as my head!

                                    And then the ghost of David Carradine appeared! AAAAHHHH!!!

     

Frankenhooker

Frankenhooker (1990)

Director: Frank Henenlotter

Writer: Frank Henenlotter, Robert Martin

Stars: Patty Mullen, James Lorinz, Joanne Ritchie

 

My Two-Cents:

     Back in the diz-ay (70's and 80's) film makers could get away with making films that were say...let''s call them "different". You had Charles Band, The Chido brothers, and Roger Corman of course. Yeah, their films were usually low budget and sleazy, but they were also very different from much of what was out there at the time. The concept behind some of their flicks was just off the friggin wall. Frank Henenlotter may have been the most off the wall of them all.

      Henenlotter had an interesting imagination. I use the word interesting, but others may call it sick. His films are bizarre to say the least and were usually over the top and very tongue in cheek. You got lot's of catsup, a pleasing amount of naked chicks, and a pretty fucked up story. All done on an amazing low budget, and it usually showed.

     Having done "Basketcase" and then "Brain Dead", Ol'Frank decided to tackle a classic, but give it a fresh....uh...unique spin. He'd take Frankenstein and turn it into a love story involving a reanimated hooker. That shit just writes it's self!

     As mentioned before, Henenlotter's films are way over the top. No exception here. So don't go into this bitch expecting a finely tuned horror. This is Schlock in all it's glory. Expect to laugh at the absurdity that ensues.

     

Here's the dirt: Jeffery Franken (Like Frankenstein...duh!) and Elizabeth Shelly (Like Mary Shelly, the chick who wrote "Frankenstein".) are two groovy lovebirds who are engaged. The film starts with the couple at a party for Elizabeth's father. All is going well, Jeffery is doing his mad scientist thing while Elizabeth bitches about being over weight (Mullen's in a fat suit...I guess.), when tragedy strikes. While presenting her father with a gift in the form of a remote control lawn mower that Jeffery built, poor Elizabeth accidently runs herself over. Thus she dies young but doesn't leave a beautiful corpse as she is chopped into bite size morsels.

     Jeffery isn't ready to let go of her yet though, he loves Elizabeth and damn'it, he's gonna find a way to bring her back! So he makes off with her head and a few other pieces of Elizabeth that he found strewn about the yard after the accident and begins working on a plan to bring her back. He hit's a snag though when he discovers that he's gonna need spare parts to make this shit happen...spare body parts that is. What's a mad scientist to do? Go find some hookers and give them super crack that causes them to explode thus killing them and then take their body parts, that's what! Why not?

     Well our boy Jeffery succeeds and brings his love back, only problem is the hooker parts have warped her mind and turned her into an undead prostitute and you better show her the money first homeboy! 

     

The acting in this is so bad it's funny. You can tell everyone was having a blast and not taking it seriously. That said, James Lorinz and Patty Mullen turn in solid performances and elevate this flick above your average schlockfest. Lorinz pull's off Jeffery's clueless mad scientist perfectly. Your repulsed by him at times cause dude does some questionable shit, but most of the time you feel sorry for the poor smuck. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he wants his girl back. 

     For my money though, Patty Mullen steals the show, and not just because she's fucking smoking hot (But it don't hurt either.). When she becomes Frankenhooker she's so damn quirky that it's hilarious. Somehow she comes off adorable and sexy at the same time, even made up like a corpse. I want me a Frankenhooker. I got ya money right here babygirl! 

     For some unfathomable reason, Patty retired from acting after this flick. She had made one other flick before this "Doom Asylum" and a couple of tv spots. She also did a nude pictorial in the August 1986 issue of "Penthouse". Word ta big bird! Shame her career ended so soon, girl had talent....uh....acting talent I mean. You filthy McNasty! 

     Even though there is a ton of messy scene's, there isn't much catsup. It's hard to explain. Look, there is a ton of dismemberments and and other goodies, but the scenes are as dry as an AA meeting. Not much red stuff. Maybe the SFX team didn't have enough coin in the budget for fake blood? Who knows, doesn't matter. It doesn't ruin the film in the least. Yeah, certain scenes would have looked cooler if they let the red stuff fly, but given the type of flick it is, it works either way. The messy scenes are still fun to watch, especially the end, which amps up the "What the fuck!" quotetant very suddenly.

     For all my pervs in the Hiz-ouse, yes there is nudity! Lot's of nudity. How's a room full of naked hookers strike ya? If that ain't enough, we get a gander at Mullens undead rack. Yes, they're real and they are spectacular!

     For my lusty ladies, you get Joseph Gonzalez running around in muscle shirts showing off his massive physique. Dude's ripped.

     

     "Frankenhooker" is what I like to call a "Saturday Night Special". Ya know, when it's saturday night and ya ain't go shit to do, your turning your UHF dial round and round, screwing with the TV antenna. You just wanna find something to kill two hours with. Something you can crash on your couch with a bowl of stove popped "Readypop" and a six pack of Yuengling, and have some fun with. 

     If that's the case, this film is perfect for ya. It doesn't require much thought, delivers all the simple pleasures one could ask for ala messy scenes, nudity, and all the camp you can handle. I give this one four blood soaked butcher knives out of five. It's fun, it's different, and Mullen is oh so good to look at. 

     If all that ain't enough to convince you to give this bitch a spin, I have two words for ya: Exploding Hookers. Nuff said!

                                                        WRONG HOLE! WRONG HOLE!

                                                          I said "head" cost extra!!!

                                      You ever feel like your being stalked by a lawn mower?

     

Pumpkinhead

Pumpkinhead (1988)

Director: Stan Winston

Writer: Ed Justin (Poem), Stan Winston (Story), Richard Weinman (Story), Mark Patrick Carducci (Story and Screenplay), Gary Gerani (Screenplay)

Stars: Lance Henriksen, Jeff East, John D'Aquino

The Skinny:

     When Ed Harley's son is accidently killed by a bunch of teenagers, he seek's vengeance. When it comes to vengeance, Ed Harley don't fuck around! With the help of a witch he conjures up Kareem Abdul Jabbar, the demon version, and sets it lose on the unsuspecting teens. Fun times ensue!

Pumpkinhead by Ed Justin

Keep away from Pumpkinhead,

Unless you're tired of living.

His enemies are mostly dead,

He's mean and unforgiving.

Laugh at him and your undone,

But in some dreadful fashion.

Vengeance he considers fun,

And plans it with a passion.

Time will not erase or blot,

A plot that he has brewing.

It's when you think that he's forgot,

He'll conjure your undoing.

Bolted doors and windows barred.

Guard dogs prowling in your yard.

Won't protect you in your bed...

...Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead.

My Two-Cents: 

     Special Effects master, Stan Winston has created many iconic creatures for the big screen. The Alien, The Predator, The Thing, etc. The man is a freaking legend for a reason. 

     In 1988, Winston would give us yet another creature creation, and this time he would direct the film in which it starred. 

     Pumpkinhead.

     There are few creatures in horror more frightening than this mother fucker right here. Nine feet tall and fast as hell, this be one beastie you do not want to run into on a dark road in the middle of the night. Fuck, I wouldn't want to run into him on a sunny road in the middle of the day!

      The above poem by Ed Justin was the inspiration for the movie. Tell me that shit ain't creepy!

     When this film was released it was panned by the critics, who found it to be just another "Teen Slasher" flick. I don't know what the hell they were watching, but this film is anything but "Just another teen slasher". 

     To be fair, there are elements in the film that are typical of horror films of that era. The stereotypical teens who are hunted and killed off in gruesome fashions. But there is much more going on beyond that. There is a moral to this tale. Infact, this bitch plays out like a dark fable on the dangers of revenge. Pumpkinhead is vengeance manifested into physical form. He doesn't have his own agenda, he's only doing what Ed Harley called him to do: get revenge. Ol' Ed, though, quickly learns an often overlooked truth about vengeance: Once it's let loose, you can't take it back. As the witch tell's him "What's done is done." This is the meat and potatoes of the film, and what set's it aside from other genre entries of the time.

     The other thing that makes this classic stand out is the special effects. Like I said, Pumpkinhead is one scary bastard! Winston and his crew not only create a frightening ass character, but they successfully bring it to life. Even by today's standards, the creature effects are impressive and it's all practical effects, no CG fucking I! Booyah! 

     Winston keeps the creature shrouded by mist and darkness for most of the film, giving us quick glimpses of the nightmarish fucker in action. It works. Especially when you consider the spooky, surreal atmosphere Winston creates. There is an almost dreamy quality about it. It makes the situation that much more disturbing. 

     Now this bitch does have it's flaws. The acting for one. 

     With the exception of Lance Henriksen and a couple others, the acting was fucking awful. The teens were so one dimensional and stereotypical, that it frequently annoyed the shit out of me. Their dialogue didn't help matters, which often goes beyond cheesey. I know this isn't all the actors fault, they can only work with what they got, but it's clear this bunch are far from being thespians.

     Henriksen, on the other hand, turns in a great performance. The scenes with his son in the beginning are very touching, and he does an awesome job showing us the grief and rage he feels later. He never overplays it, and keeps Ed Harley grounded. 

     Brian Bremer does a decent job as "Bunt", though he's not around much till the end. 

     Florence Schauffler makes for one creepy ass witch thanks to the make-up job Winston's team did on her. Make-up aside though, Flo did a great job with her role and manages to stand out despite her limited screen time.

     I've heard people diss the score, but I thought it was effective. Yeah, it's...dated....but I mean come on people, it's a flick that was made in the fucking 80's for the love of Moe, Larry, and Curly! What do you expect? Let it go, it could be worse (Ever hear the score for the original "Prom Night"?)

     If you're looking for catsup, your gonna be somewhat disappointed. Yes, there is blood, but nothing to get your panties wet over. Much of the killing is done off screen and left to our imaginations. We are usually treated to the aftermath, which as I said isn't bad, but it ain't gonna satisfy your run of the mill gorehound. I gotta keep it real though, Winston made the right choice by not soaking this one in the red stuff. This is just not that type of film. The visuals and tone throughout help us paint gruesome pictures in our mind that far exceed anything hollywood could ever put on film.

     Alas, mine pervs! There is no nudity...at all. No really. None. Zip. Nada. As I also said about gore, it didn't need it. Again, not that type of flick. Yeah I said it, wanna fight?

     Sadly, "Pumpkinhead" is a very underrated flick. Most people see it as a run of the mill 80's creature flick. That's unfortunate, because the film may look that way on the surface, but underneath, this bitch is sporting some heart. It plays less like a horror film at times and more like a folktale. It's a campfire story put on film. One with awesome special effects. I give it four blood soaked butcher knives out of five. Winston took familiar horror elements and did something different. He get's my respect for that.

     Be warned, there are 3 sequels to this film, two of which were produced by the Syfy Channel (That should tell you all you need to know about them.) and they are all fucking horrendous! Do not waste your time. Pretend there never were any sequels (Because there shouldn't have been any.) and just enjoy this one. Trust me on this my little fucknado's, Uncle Ani knows best.

     One other thing, Pumpkinhead is getting a remake. Not sure how I feel about that. The original is great, but far from perfect, so a remake may make it even better. However, Hollywood does not have a good track record when it comes to remakes (NOES anyone?) and Stan Winston passed away in 2008 (RIP dude.) and I'm not sure anyone could do the film justice the way he could. He understood what he had, no one else who has tackled this bitch since, seem's to get it. Guess we'll have to wait and see. Till then, give this one a go, I mean it's a fucking classic! Nuff said! 

     Now remember, Hillbillies can do more then just rape you, they can get Pumpkinhead after your ass!

                                       I was something before electricity, Ed Harley.

                                      Hi, I'm here to audition for the role of Big Bird.

                                                      Man, this shit is good!!!

          

     

Jaws: The Revenge

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

Director: Joseph Sargent

Writer: Michael De Guzman

Stars: Lorraine Gary, Lance Guest, Mario Van Peebles, Michael Caine

The Skinny:

     When Ellen Brody loses her youngest son to a freak shark attack, her eldest son Michael takes her to Bermuda where he and his family live for a vacation. Only problem is, the shark that chowed down on her younger son has followed them and it's looking to settle the score with the Body's once and for all. (No I'm not making this up.) This time it's personal. Oh hell yeah it's fucking personal alright! I take this affront to Peter Benchley's awesome creation very personal! 

My Two-Cents:

     The other day I was chilling with a friend as she lazily scrolled through the gazillion channels on the cable channel guide. Suddenly she exclaims "Oh, look Jaws! That's like your favorite movie right?" and she proceeds to select it. I was texting at the time and didn't see which "Jaws" flick it was. I looked up hoping to see Spielberg's masterpiece and instead came face to face with a film I hold such an intense loathing for that all my friends know better then to even allude to it; the horrid "Jaw's: The Revenge. 

     I immediately turned to my friend and gave her a look so venom filled that she shrank back in terror. "Change it. Now." was all I said in a voice that would make Regan from "The Exorcist" cringe.

     What my poor, unsuspecting companion didn't know was while "Jaws" ranks as my number 2 all time fav movie (Ghostbusters is numero uno.), The 4th installment in the franchise is my most hated of hated films. This rotten vagina induces a violent rage in me that even the mere mention of it causes me to ball my fist and grind my teeth. I FUCKING HATE THIS FLICK!

     Reviewing this one isn't easy. I had to stop myself from attacking the monitor several times. The swearing that emanated from my house while I wrote this frightened the hell out of my neighbors. But I had to review it, I had to warn all the poor assholes who never saw this cinematic abortion. This vomit inducing stain on the "Jaws" series. FUCK YOU JOSEPH SARGENT FOR MAKING THIS PILE OF MAGGOT FECES!

    Ok, let me focus for a minute and try to explain how fucked up this film is, how insanely awful it is. As mentioned before, the film stars Lorraine Gary returning to the role of Ellen Brody. We learn she is a widow now because Chief Brody apparently died. (Roy Scheider declined to be in this used tampon. Smart man.) We are told the Chief dropped dead of a heart attack due to fear of the shark. Yup, the badass guy who faced down two giant sharks and lived, died from fear. Way to disrespect the coolest character in the series right at the top of the movie. Assholes!

     Ellen's youngest son, who is now Chief of Police in Amity, is attacked by a shark while on a boat in the dead of winter. That's right, he was attacked while ON a boat.

     Her oldest son, now a Marine Biologist in Bermuda (Because having experienced three giant shark attacks and watching people you care about getting fucking eaten, instills a love of the ocean in you.) flys in for the funeral and talks his mother into returning to Bermuda with him for a vacation. She agree's and off they go.

     But guess what? The shark that killed her youngest son follows them. No really, it follows them. THE FUCKING SHARK FOLLOWS THEM!!!!! They didn't take a boat, they FLEW! How the fuck did the shark know where they went? Does it have GPS? Did it have a shark contact in Bermuda that called it up and said "Yo, your never gonna guess who I just saw. You know that family you been trying to eat? Well guess what? They're here in Bermuda!" 

     This has to be the absolutely dumbest fucking plot I have EVER seen in a movie and I've watched "Spice World"! Did the filmmakers think the audience was that fucking stupid that we'd accept such a ludicrous premise? Oh but wait, it gets better. The fucking shark is out for revenge! It somehow knows the Brody's have killed 3 other sharks and it's pissed. That's right, it's stalking the Brody's cause they killed his homies! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!!! This isn't fucking "Orca" or some other low brow monster of the sea flick, this is a mother fucking "JAWS" flick. Have some fucking respect! What the fuck were they thinking? How in their right minds did they think this was a good idea?

     They actually try to explain this in what is the most fucking unbelievably, jaw droppingly retarded way. The shark and the Brody's have a psychic bond...excuse me I have to go slam my head into a concrete wall several times.

     Back. 

     You may be asking "But does it have some cool shark attacks?" The answer is no. Aside from the blink and you'll miss it attack on Ellen's youngest son, there is only one other shark attack. Just one. Did the filmmakers not realize that people watch "Jaws" flicks to watch people get turned into shark food? Was this fucking concept lost on them? The one shark attack isn't bad, but it's brief and once that load is shot, that's all she wrote. The rest of the film is inane and boring. Yeah, there is a run in with the shark by Michael and his team, but it's nothing exciting. BTW, when Michael almost gets eaten by the shark and barely escapes he decides he and his crew should not tell anyone about the shark so they can study it. So wait a minute, you have this character who survived 3 different shark attacks, saw people brutally killed, he has a family, a daughter living nearby and he just barely survived another attack by this giant fucking killing machine and he DOESN'T FUCKING TELL ANYONE?! That has to be the most despicable, asshole move I have ever seen! Apparently the shark ate the wrong fucking brother! Did I mention I fucking HATE this flick?

     The saddest thing about this abomination is that it had a good cast that was completely wasted. Lorraine Gray is a great actress and does her best here try to fill Schneiders large shoes. Lance Guest is a likable actor (Loved him in "The Last Starfighter") but his character is such an enormous asshole here that you want nothing to do with him. Van Peebles, whose movies I've greatly enjoyed in the past, does an annoying Jamaican accent here and you desperately want him to become shark chow. The most amazing thing is that the filmmakers managed to get Michael Caine for this mess! Man he must have been slumming! He does his best here, but no amount of good acting could save this fucking piece of trash.

     Of course the "Jaws" theme by the great John Williams is there, which only serves to remind you that, yes, this is supposed to be a "Jaws" movie.

     The ending is just as bad as the rest of the flick, if not worse. By that point though, nothing should fucking surprise you. Jaws takes down a plane (Yup I'm serious) and the Brody's have a showdown with the shark. There is actually two endings. Both suck. That's all I'll say about that.

     Look, everyone knows the first film was a masterpiece. The second entry was no where near as good, but it was fun. The third entry was a mess with the shitty 3D and poorly written story, but it's tolerable in a pinch. No, the sequels aren't great, but they manage to keep the spirit of the first film alive. This piece of dung not only destroy's that spirit, it effectively ended the "Jaws" franchise! To this day we haven't seen another "Jaw's sequel. Instead we are bombarded with brainless Syfy channel bullshit, which I enjoy by the way, because they are laugh out loud funny. But those films are meant to be shitty and over the top. We expect much more from a "Jaws" flick.

     I didn't even give this flick one blood soaked butcher knife, because it doesn't fucking deserve one. This is the worst, god awful mess ever put to celluloid. "Plan 9 from Outer Space" looks like an Oscar contender next to this garbage. This pile of junkie vomit, this Baboon feces, this coke bottle up the ass! I rather fuck a VD ridden junkie whore raw while she's on her period and withdrawing then sit through this fucking pile of whale diarrhea ever again! It doesn't deserve to be called a "Jaws" movie!  FUCK JAWS: THE REVENGE! FUCK JOSEPH SARGENT, FUCK THE CAST FOR BEING IN IT, FUCK SPIELBERG FOR NOT STOPPING THIS, AND FUCK ANYONE THAT THINKS IT'S A GOOD MOVIE!!!!! FUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

.....ok, I feel better now.

                                                                          

This actually hurts less then watching this movie!

You firing your agent too?

I'm definitely firing my agent! I turned down a spot on shark week for this?

Pieces

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.