Blood Tracks

Blood Tracks (1985)

Director: Mats helge
Writer: Mats helge, Anna Wolf
Stars: Easy Action (Band), Jeff Harding, Michael Fitzpatrick, Naomi Kaneda

The Skinny:
     A swedish hair metal band and their crew go out to the middle of no where to film their latest video. When an avalanche traps them in a cabin, sex drugs, and rock and roll ensue....until they meet the batshit family on the lamb who live in the abandoned factory next door. Turns out they ain't fans. Guess we got something in common, cause this turd stinks to high heaven!

My Two-Cents:
     I can't believe I wasted 81 fucking minutes of my life on this mess! I came across this pile of ass by accident. The premise sounded cool, I mean I love metal (In the some parts of the UK this flick is called "Heavy Metal") and I even like some hair metal (Fuck you!) and usually when metal and horror come together it's good times. The two go together like a me and strippers. Look at flicks like the original "Trick or Treat" or the under rated "Hard Rock Zombies". So my unsuspecting ass thought I'd found an obscure gem. I was so wrong.
     Where do I start. How bout the plot? The filmmakers obviously attempted to make a flick in the vein of "The Hills Have Eyes", but they failed spectacularly. To even mention Cravens baby along side this film is a fucking insult of the highest magnitude. This flick doesn't have any of the creepy atmosphere, tension, or gore that Cravens flick has. This bitch is full of cliches' and I.Q. dropping dialogue.
     First off, why the fuck would you go out to snow covered mountains and blast fucking heavy metal music? Did they not consider the loud noise might cause an fucking avalanche? Why did the people at the fucking lodge allow them to do that? Also, why is there an abandoned factory right next door to their cabin? Who builds a cabin next to a fucking factory?
     The actors were dubbed due to this flick being swedish, and as you can imagine, it wasn't good. Doesn't matter because the acting sucked too. First off there were way to many fucking people in this. I had a hard time keeping track of who was who and what the fuck was going on. They aren't even close to being likable either. Not once did I feel anything for these ass gnomes. I was cheering on the killers for all I was worth. I especially wanted the band to die, for calling themselves "Easy Action". Jerkoffs.
     Speaking of the killers, aside from make-up on their faces that looked like someone slapped them with oatmeal, they seemed confused most of the time. Probably wondering what the hell they're doing in this film. While researching this fist in the ass, I learned that the cast and crew were drunk when they shot this. You almost had to be wouldn't you?
     The thing that really had me gnashing my teeth was the kill scenes. It's not just that there bad, YOU CAN'T FUCKING SEE THEM! Most of the action takes place in the abandoned factory which is dark as hell. Apparently lighting wasn't high on the priority list for the film makers. We end up with dark scenes where we can hear the victim screaming, but fuck if I knew what happened to them. Seriously! There were a lot of people in this flick and I have no clue how most of them died! I was actually shining a flashlight into my TV during these scenes as I let fly a chorus of explicatives. What the fuck were they thinking? You watch a horror for the kills so it's a good idea to actually show the fucking kills! What were they high? No, drunk.
     The little catsup we do get ain't nothing special. As for nudity, yeah, we get that via the slutty video vixens. If nudity is all your after, save your money and precious time and just watch a porn on Fuckbook. Thank me later.
     There really is nothing redeeming about this flick. Well wait...I'm wrong. The theme song "Blood Tracks" performed by "Easy Action" who also play the band in the movie, was pretty good. But it sure as hell ain't worth sitting through this fucking pile of junkie vomit for! It deserves the obscurity it's obtained. Let it stay buried! I rather go to an "Extreme" concert then sit through this shit again. I gave it one blood soaked butcher knife and honestly that feels like too much. Do your self a favor and stay far, far away from this one. Nuff said!
Now excuse me, I need to go grab a bottle of old Grand Dad and crank up some Maiden so I can forget this fucking pile of goat droppings. ACES HIGH BITCH'S!!!

Yup, I feel the same way honey.

Hey look kid's! It's the Little Dutch Boy on crack!

Whatcha mean the name "Night Ranger" is taken?

   
   

The Boogens

The Boogens (1981)

Director: James L. Conway
Writer: Thomas C. Chapman, David O'Malley, Jim Kouf
Stars: Rebecca Balding, Fred McCarren, Anne-Marie Martin

The Skinny:
      When a mine that's been closed for almost a century due to an accident is reopened, mutant turtles of the decidedly non-teenage ninja variety are awoken. These sum'a bitches are hungry and they ain't craving pizza.

My Two-Cents:
     There's a good chance many of you haven't heard of this SOB, especially if you were still sperm in '81 when it dropped in theaters. That's because this flick has sadly faded into horror obscurity. It flopped in theaters, had a short run on VHS, then faded away quietly until recently when it was re-released on DVD and Blu-ray. This is a damn shame, because this flick deserves so much more recognition ya'll! Good thing obscure horror is Uncle Ani's specialty.
     Director James L. Conway makes the best of his low-budget ($600,000) and screenwriters Jim Kauf, who would go on to write "Rush Hour" and "National Treasure" to name a few, and David O'Malley, weaves a good ol'fashioned monster tale based on a story idea by Tracy C. Chapman. I give Conway credit for going this route in a time when slasher flicks ruled the roost. '78 to '83 was the golden age of the knife wielding maniac. This is undoubtedly why this flick flopped. Well...one of the reason's.
     I gotta say, for a low-budget horror sporting mostly no name actors, the character development was pretty decent. You don't get that much in horrors. I actually liked the poor saps. This is seriously the films saving grace, as there are stretches where nothing is happening other then character concerns. Also, Conway wisely decides to not show the monsters till the end. (I'll get to that in a minute.)
     Anne-Marie Martin, who you may know from the 80's TV series "Sledge Hammer", and Rebecca Balding are very likable, not to mention HAWT! They basically carry the flick. Fred McCarren doesn't do too bad either, but he's basically the run of the mill stud. Jeff Harlan is just fucking annoying and I couldn't wait for him to become turtle chow.
     Now I gotta give fair warning, if your looking for a fast paced, bloody monster romp, ya ain't gonna find it here. This is probably another reason this flick didn't do well in theaters. It paces itself, choosing to spend time with the characters and build tension. (Not that they had much of a choice given the budget.) Conway is fairly good at creating an eerie atmosphere and playing with our expectations. The kills are quick though, and the catsup is used sparingly. So my gore-hounds, you'll have to get your jolly's elsewhere. There is some nudity for all my pervs though. Not a lot, but what's there is pretty good. Anne-Marie Martin has a nice ass! Just saying.
     Now for the bad. Let me start with the turtles. Like I said, they aren't revealed till the end. Throughout the movie we are treated to a tentacle here, a claw there, and some fucking seriously creepy roars. The rest of the time the monsters are around, we see thing's from they're POV. When they are revealed...well...you suddenly realize why Conway chose to hide them. This was my reaction when I saw the monster for the first time: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
      Yeah, it's that bad. Not only are they extremely cheap looking, but the fuckers are actually CUTE! I want one! Boogens are now on my want list, along with Mogwai's and Flying Monkeys. Anyway, don't expect me to show you them, not gonna ruin it for ya, one of the best parts of the fucking thing.
     Now, I've been referring to them as turtles, that's because that's what they look like and it's what everyone whose seen this flick calls them. The movie itself, however, never actually tells you what they are, besides Boogens, which as far as I was able to determine via Google, means "unsophisticated and uncivilized". Don't expect many of them either. The characters go on about how there's tons of them. I counted two. This was actually amusing, as the characters are screaming and running as if there is a shit load after them, but all we see is two.
     There some plot holes and also dumb moves on the characters parts (Doesn't anyone believe in fucking running?). Especially at the end (That one still irks me.) But given the fact that it's a low-budget horror and that the story and characters are pretty good, it can be forgiven. Nothing so bad it takes away from the over-all story.
     In the end, "The Boogens" isn't a bad little go round. Yeah, it can be slow going at times, but the concept is interesting and their are some genuinely creepy moments. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but if you enjoy spooky monster tales and don't mind a slow build, this is one you may want to check out. I give it three bloody butcher knives out of five. Mostly because of the likable characters, and because Conway really tried to give us something different. With a better budget this would have probably been an instant classic, as is, while flawed, it's still a decent flick. Give it a watch my little fucknado's. Nuff said!
     Now be vewy vewy quiet....I'm hunting Boogens.

                                                        I told you! I'm not April O'Neil!!!

It's not Snowflake! IT'S NOT SNOWFLAKE!!!!!

LOOK OUT! IT'S A BOOGEN! Nah...I'm jus' fuckin wit ya.

   
     

Anthropophagus

Anthropophagous (1981)

Director: Joe D'Amato
Writer: Joe D'Amato, George Eastman
Stars:  Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, George Eastman

The Skinny:

     A bunch of tourists decide to take a trip to a remote greek island to get their chill on. Only problem is the island is home to a deranged lunatic who is very, very hungry...and the tourists just landed on the menu.

My Two-Cents:

     Ok, first off, many of you may be wondering just what the hell "Anthropophagous" means. Well Uncle Ani is gonna school ya, cause he's smart and shit...sorta. Anthropophagous (Pronounced Anthro-po-fay-gus) is basically another word for Cannibal. It means to eat people. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

     Anyway my little fucknado's, I watched this little gem that managed to slip by me after it was recommended to me. (Big up's to Monster the Kid!) I knew nothing about it going in except that it was an Italian film and it was supposedly full of gore. Actually, saying it's an Italian horror AND has gore is fucking redundant. Us wop's love our catsup, yes we do.

     When the opening credits started (Those mofo's were shaky as hell! Whoever was in charge of them must have been drunk as shit!.) I learned this flick was directed and written by the infamous Joe D'Amato. Horror fans generally either love his shit or hate it. Doesn't seem to be a middle ground. D'Amato's work is of the rather low-budget variety and is usually, shall we say...sleazy. Personally I dig D'Amato's stuff. "Beyond the Darkness" is an awesome flick and his soft core porn "Emmanuelle" is..uh...interesting. Yeah, the guy ain't no Argento or Fulchi, but his work has a charm of it's own. He's sorta like the Roger Corman of the Italians.

     Ok, so let me set something straight. This film DOES have gore, but it's not over flowing with it. In fact, there's only two particular scenes that really push the envelope (Boy do they!). Everything else is by the numbers and nothing we haven't seen. The one complaint I've read about concerning this film is that it's boring. Yeah it's slow, but I wouldn't say it's boring. D'Amato paces things and builds the tension bit by bit. I never lost interest. D'Amato seem's to take a page out of Tobe Hooper's book. A lot is implied, but little is shown, which I think really works for this flick. Especially when shit does finally get shown. The impact is that much more powerful.

     George Eastman, who co-wrote the screenplay, also play's the wack-job killer, and boy does he deliver! He has a presence about him that chills you to the bone. That may have something to do with him being like fucking 7 feet tall but I think it's more then that. The killer here is a purely psychotic, ape-shit, grade A, lunatic. I mean this guy is gone baby, gone! Ya know, the motors running but there's no one behind the wheel. This fucker just doesn't care. He lives to sleep, shit, and eat people....and shit some more.. Eastman bring's the insanity of this savage completely to life. D'Amato does the right thing and doesn't give us a peek at him till mid way through the flick and even then he keep's him confined to shadows. Very effective.

     The rest of the cast? We'll it's hard to judge acting with a flick like this because it's all dubbed. The dubbing, as is to be expected, was not great, but it wasn't as fucking annoying as many other flicks I've seen. That said, beyond the dubbing, the actors really didn't impress me, in fact, it was kinda shitty, but it is an italian horror. They aren't exactly made to be Oscar contenders.

     The score was pretty good and really helped to create a creepy atmosphere. Speaking of which, the desolate island back drop was both beautiful and eerie. It really set the tone and made you feel just how alone these characters really were.

     Now for the bad parts: The characters in this make some of the dumbest, mind numbingly, stupid choices. I mean these people must live in Burma, because bodies piling up didn't seem to impress them. In probably the most infamous scene in the movie, one of the characters is watching something unbelievably sickening happen to a loved one and doesn't seem that upset. I wanted to reach through the screen and slap the stupid off the fucker. There is no way a rational human being can witness THAT and not lose their shit, especially when it's happening to someone so close to you! I know it's a horror flick, but I expect the characters to show some emotion. That shit takes me right out of the flick. Thankfully Eastman's sick ass kept me invested.

     In the end, I feel this film missed it's chance at being a serious horror classic. Something on par with TCM. If certain thing's were handled differently and the actors emoted a bit more, this could have been something great. As is, it's a good flick and def worth checking out. But let me make something very clear. Unless your a hardcore horror fan and a fan of Italian horror in particular, your probably not going to enjoy this. It'll probably bore you and you'll find it's low production values a real problem. Your pussy ass may also end up offended by  the nasty bits. So don't go commenting that I recommended a turd or some shit like that if your one of these peeps. You've been informed. Nuff Said! All you hard core horror heads tho, check this shit out, it's worth it. The two aforementioned scene's are worth the price of admission alone, especially if your a gore-hound. I give it three blood soaked knives out of five

     Oh, one other thing. There's a sequel. I haven't seen it yet, but from what I've read it's decent, though not as good as this one. D'Amato returns to direct and co-write with George Eastman, who once again plays the killer, though not the same killer, if that makes sense. There is also a remake of sorts that was released in 1999 called "Anthropophagous 2000". The word on it is that it's lame. D'Amato and Eastman have nothing to do with it. So watch at your own risk.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat...my neighbor.

"THIS VACATION SUCKS! FUCK TRAVELOCITY!"

"Do I really look like Diamond Dallas Page?"

"I think I just pooped."