Gutterballs

Gutterballs (2008)

Director:  Ryan Nicholson

Writer: Ryan Nicholson

Stars:  Alastair Gamble, Mihola Terzic, Nathan Witte

The Skinny:

      A brutal (and I mean brutal!) rape goes down at a dive bowling alley and ya know what? Someone knows. That someone one is out to get revenge. Hold on to your balls, shiz is about to get messy!

My Two-Cents:

     The moment I saw the poster for this one I knew I had to see it. I mean, they parodied the poster from 'Maniac' a particularly nasty genre gem. (Apparently there are several posters for this flick, each a parody of a slasher classic: 'Halloween', 'Happy Birthday to Me', etc.) I had hopes this was gonna be some kind of homage to those type of films. So was it? Keep reading.

     Soon as this flick starts it becomes clear just exactly what director Ryan Nicholson was going for (If the varied posters based on genre classics didn't already clue you in.). The film looks like it was shot in 1981, with that grainy dark look early 80's slashers always sported. The bowling alley, the cast, even the cars all look like something straight out of a flick from 1982. I really dug that. Flicks from that era had their own thing going that set them apart from shiz that came before and after. This was a fun nostalgic treat!

   
     Now, it's one thing to look like a film from those bygone days, but could it perform like one? Slashers from the golden era ('78-'83) were notorious for being overly violent and sexual. To this day it's rare to find a film that's as brutal as many of those badboys due to the fact the studios are pussies. I've seen enough flicks try to capture the flavor of that era's offerings but fall flat because the film makers lacked the balls to take it to the extreme. Is 'Gutterballs' guilty of this?

     Hell no! Have no fear, this one delivers in spades!

    

      I'm gonna get right to the goods, cause that's what makes this film worthwhile. Gorehounds, you got yourself a new gem to get your fix with! The catsup in this twisted puppy is poured on thick! Entrails, severed heads, bleeding vaginas, cut up penis's (No I'm not joking.) and more! This bitch is on her period and she's flowing like Niagra Falls! You WILL cringe at times, it's that nasty. One particular kill, while not bloody, hands down has the award for most creative (and kinky) way to off two peeps in my book. (Hint: it involves the number '69'. If you don't know what that stands for, why are you here?) The ratings board apparently wanted this baby seriously neutered for it to get an R rating, so Nicholson opted for the NC-17 rating rather than pussy out. Fucking A right dude!

     The effects themselves are pretty well done, especially since it was only Nicholson and one other, Jon Funk, doing them. It's all good old fashioned practical effects. A few things look a wee bit fake, but for the most part, it's gravy. Def wanna rethink eating during this one if you're a pus....er....have a weak stomach.

     

     Speaking of cringe inducing moments, probably the most infamous and controversial thing about this sick throw back is the rape scene. It isn't that long, but it feel's like it goes on forever. It's reeeeeally brutal. Def up there with the rapes from 'Last House on the Left' (Original, not that feces they call a remake.) and 'I Spit on your Grave' I found myself looking away several times. Uncle Ani don't care for rape. Many people took issue with this scene due to the camera constantly showing us close up shots of the poor girls body as she's being violated. It almost seemed the filmmakers were trying to sexualize the rape rather than shock. Director Ryan Nicholson has vehemently denied this, but I have to admit, I had a case of the WTF's while the rape played out. There is nothing sexy about rape. I don't care how hot the girl is, I can't be aroused watching her being horribly violated. I'm a perv, not a psychopath!

     Speaking of perv's, you'll be happy to know the T and A is on full display here. I'm not talking about the rape, you sick puck! Vagina's play peek-a-boo throughout, tops constantly come off, and we are shown a BJ that wasn't pretend. The actress was actually blowing the actor! Talk about method acting!
     Oh and my lusty Nymphs, for once you don't need to feel left out, there are a few sausages on display...unfortunately.

     The acting...well....it's what you'd expect to find in a low-grade early 80's slasher. That is, it was bad.
     Candice Lewald, who plays the rape victim, is the definition of wooden actor. Bless her soul she tries, but beyond looking hot as hell, she doesn't offer much.
     Dan Ellis as the bowling alley employee is pretty entertaining. he had me chuckling more than once.
     Then there's Alastair Gamble, who for some inane reason decided to scream every single fucking line in the damn movie! The term "In-door" voice was totally frigging lost on him. Every scene with him was an experience in tolerance. Seriously, every fucking line dude?!
     The rest of the cast, while certainly colorful, were pretty much forgettable. I mean, they tried, I'll give them that, but thespians they are not.
     Oh, and probably the most used word in the film by every actor is 'fuck'. i'm not kidding. I've read it's used close to 600 times! A drinking game for this flick has been created where you do a shot every time 'fuck' is used. Great for those looking to die of alcohol poisoning as you'll probably polish off a full bottle of jack in ten minutes flat.

     Aside from crappy acting, the film did have other small yet noticeable problems. For one, Nicholson clearly went out of his way to make this flick look like an 80's flick. I was grooving on the retro vibe with the hairstyles and cloths. then a cellphone makes a brief appearance and breaks the illusion. WTF? it didn't even have too serious a function in the film, why would you go to all the trouble to create  a period vibe and then do that? it's like watching "Braveheart" and seeing Mel Gibson whip out a glock! You can do better than that Ryan dude!
     Another problem I had was the ending. Everything was groovy until a particular character is offed. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I mean the twist was good and kept me guessing, but offing that one character seemed wrong on so many levels. That's all I'll say about that.

     Overall, 'Gutterballs' is a fun, nostalgic ride, choke full of the red stuff, tons of nudity, and full of enough genre references to please any hardcore horror fan. It ain't high art, it's a love letter of sorts from horror fans to horror fans. I give it four blood soaked butcher knives. Despite some minor flaws, it still delivers a good time. I mean how can you go wrong with a killer who wears a bowling ball bag on his head?
     Due to certain content, it may not be for everyone. If you offend easily, look elsewhere. Ya been warned.
     Well, that's my word. I'm off to wax my balls!

   
                                                                           

                                    I don't think I'm wearing these right...

                                                                             

We're here to audition for the new John Hughes film.

Yeah! your damn right I feel ridiculous!

Haunt

Haunt (2013)

Director: Mac Carter
Writer: Andrew Barrer
Stars: Harrison Gilbertson, Liana Liberato, Jacki Weaver, Ione Skye

                                     




The Skinny:
     A family moves into a house where the previous owners had a serious run of bad luck. When Evan, the teenage son, makes friends with the girl next door, Sam, the two discover a creepy ass room that contains an old radio that let's them talk to the dead. They quickly decide they should have listened to some tunes instead as the they've opened a door to some nasty shite that dwells in the house.


My Two Cents:
     Since films like 'The Conjuring' and 'Insidious', we've been getting bombarded with 'Haunting' movies left and right. Problem is, most of them suck donkey balls. I mean, the whole 'family moves into a haunted house' thing has been done more times than Jenna Jameson. So I don't expect much when I go into these types of flicks.. 'Haunt' however, had a few surprises, and I must say I dug it.

     Director Mac Carter and writer Andrew Barrer, do a decent job spinning an engaging ghost tale. It grabs our attention right from jump street and doesn't lose it till the credits roll. This bitch uses what we've come to expect in a 'Haunting' film to lull us into a sense of complacency and then shifts gears catching us off guard. I loved how I thought it was going to go one way and ended up going another.

     Compared to other 'haunters', this flick didn't do so well. One of the things I hear people complain about though, is that the film is slow and nothing really happens. Technically that's true, but that's because this isn't meant to be an in your face supernatural flick. It's very much story driven, so if you're looking for something in the vein of 'The Conjuring' your gonna be disappointed.

     Another complaint, and probably the biggest, is the ending. Let's just say it's not a traditional one. I felt like I was sucker punched when the credits began rolling. Like many others I was angry at first, but then it dawned on me that's what I was supposed to feel. When I considered everything, I realized it was brilliant! The best flicks play with your emotions and expectations. 'Haunt' did that perfectly and I applaud that. Sometimes we're left with questions, and not all of them have answers.

     As I said, this one is story driven, but as interesting as the story was, this flick could have easily fallen apart if they cast the wrong actors. No worries there though, the peeps they got held it down like pros.
     Harrison Gilbertson plays Evan, who is sorta a misunderstood teen trying to figure shiz out. Gilbertson gives the character heart and makes him likable.
     Liana Liberato as Sam damn near steals the show. The girl has some serious acting chops. Her character is a wee bit complex and required Liana to shift gears quite often which she does perfectly. You're never quite sure of Sam. She creates a sense of unease whenever she's around, yet you find yourself liking her at the same time.
     The film is set squarely on Gilbertson and Liberato's shoulders. This is their story. It's obvious the two had chemistry which was a good thing, because without it, the film would have imploded.
     Jacki Weaver shows us why she's a two time Oscar nominee. Easily the best performance in the film and that's saying something because she doesn't get a lot of screen time. Somehow I felt sorry for her and frightened of her at the same time. The lady does scary well.
     The rest of the cast, sadly, was under used, and that brings me to one of my complaints. Danielle Chuchran is a fine actress and her character was interesting, but they don't do much with her and that's a shame. I felt she could have really added something to the film. Same goes for Ella Harris. Her character had potential but ultimately she goes no where. Ione Skye and Brian Wimmer round things off as the very laid back parents (Wish my parents let me have a hot girl sleep over in my bed.), but they may as well have been extras for all the little they were given to do. Ione Skye ('Say Anything', 'Four Rooms') is a great actress and it's crazy they didn't utilize her more.

     The special effects are of the CGI variety, but they're done well and not overused. They're there to create atmosphere and keep us on our toes. Not to visually amaze us. Speaking of atmosphere, filming in the snow was def a good move, even if it wasn't planned that way (Started snowing while they were filming and they decided to keep going.) it really creates an almost desolate vibe. You feel an unnerving sense of silent dread even when they aren't in the house. I also loved how the filmmakers made sure to let us know that the characters were never alone, even if they thought they were. This upped the tension a great deal and created an almost claustrophobic feeling.

     So how about blood, is there blood huh, is there? I think it goes without saying that there's no catsup in this, did you really think there was? It's a ghost story, not a slasher yo! We do get some really messed up shots of of three kids corpses.
     As for nudity, we're teased by Liberato in a couple scenes, but other than that, nada. Deal wit it!

     The score was done well. The creepy violins playing softly in the background kept me alert and created a sense of dread throughout. Many movies like this go overboard with their score, but 'Haunt' kept it understated which fit the tone perfectly.

     So aside from the under used cast, do I have other complaints? Well yeah, I do. As I stated, this film is very subtle in how it tells the story, sometimes too subtle. You really gotta pay attention to this bitch or your going to end up lost. Certain things are never fully answered and your left filling in the blanks yourself. It's never a good idea to use supposition as a way to tell a story.
     That said, many of the answers are there, even sometimes in plain sight, but they ain't always easy to pick up on and sometimes they can be pretty damn vague. I understand what Carter was going for, and I picked up on most of the bread crumbs he cleverly left, but your average audience isn't interested in thinking too much when they see a flick and as a result, they end up frustrated and hating the movie because they don't understand what's going on. Judging from the feedback I've read, that's exactly what happened. A few tidbits here and there to explain certain things wouldn't have hurt.
   
     Flaws aside though, this flick is still an interesting fling. The filmmakers tried to give us a spin on the ghost story we haven't seen yet and to some degree they succeed. The usual cliches are there and we find ourselves once again wondering why the hell they're staying in the house, but all that can be forgiven thanks to the engaging story and great cast.
     With all the crap 'Haunting' films polluting our screens, you could do far worse than 'Haunt'. No, it's not completely original and it's far from perfect, but if you're willing to invest yourself in the story, pay close attention, and do a little thinking, you'll be rewarded with an eerie little experience that'll have you thinking long after the credits roll.
     Like I said, this ain't 'The Conjuring', it's a slow paced ghost story that uses atmosphere and misdirection to get under our skin. If that ain't your bag, don't bother with this one cause you'll hate it.
     I give it three blood soaked butcher knives out of five, because while not perfect, in the end it did what it set out to do, which was to creep me out, keep me interested, and and toy with my emotions. Nuff said.
   
                                                                           

                        Whatya mean I didn't look like this at the club last night?

                                                                                   

                  This is my hammer! there are many like it, but this one is mine!

                                                                               

                                    Oh snap! It's 'Happy'! This my jam!