Absentia

Absentia (2011)

Director: Mike Flanagan

Writer: Mike Flanagan

Stars: Katie Parks, Courtney Bell, Dave Levine

The Dirt:
   
     Tricia's (Courtney Bell) husband has been missing for seven years, long enough to be declared dead in absentia. As she prepares to sign the forms to declare him toast and also give birth to a baby by a man she has begun seeing recently (SLUT!), Callie (The yummy Katie Parker) her ex-junkie sister, comes to live with her and help her through this trying time. Shiz get's a lot more trying though as something sinister rears it's ugly head out of a tunnel down the street from them. This something may be involved in Tricia's husband's disappearance as well as others. This something may be not of this world. This something may have it's eye on Tricia and Callie. This something.....well you get the point.



My Two-Cents:
   
     Man, I wanted to like this flick. I really did. Had so much potential. Yet in the end, like bad sex with that beautiful woman with the bangin' body you swore would be a freak in the bed, it let me down.
     I heard a lot of people compare this film to H.P. Lovecraft's work. These people are high. Yes, it displayed a bleak, depressing story where the horrors of the unknown invade the normal everyday lives of average people. But a Lovecraft story these elements alone, do not make.
     Look, I'm a HUGE Lovecraft fan. Dude really knew how to ignite the imagination and tap into our fears of the unknown. Insanity, unspeakable horrors, forgotten legends; this was the stuff good ol H.P. traded in. His work took an everyday person and with no warning or even a reason, dropped them into a situation so terrifying and full of unspeakable horror, that we, the reader, were left dumbstruck and chilled. These weren't tangible horror's, these were thing's just beyond the pale. Thing's we couldn't quite grasp no matter how much we tried, but that were without a doubt, pure, unadulterated evil.
     But it was more than those elements that made Lovecraft's tales work so damn well. Dude was a master of pacing. He knew how to draw the story out at a slow burn pace yet kept us interested and on the edge of our seats the whole time while all the pieces came together, drawing us ever closer to a dark revelation. Reading one of his stories was like standing in front of a body covered by a sheet listening to the gruesome details of the person's demise and being told the awful condition the body is in. Knowing that you're going to look under that sheet in the end and that it's going to be fucked up!
     THIS was what "Absentia" was missing. This is why, to me, the film falls flat. But I digress. (Not really.)

     Before I get into what I feel are the reasons this flick failed, allow me to point out some of the good shite. Some things are worth mentioning in all fairness.
   
     I have to admit that the concept here is an interesting one, even creepy. Flanagan gets points for trying something different. These types of flicks (Ya know, something spooky is happening and only one person knows the truth but no one believes them.) tend to be paint by numbers these days, so dude gets credit for bucking the norm.
     I also gotta give Flanagan props for making this film on a grocery budget. Seriously! It was funded by a Kickstarter campaign and totaled 25,000 bucks. Steven Spielberg gives out larger tips for blow jobs! The movie "Clerks" from Kevin Smith cost more money (27,000), just to give you an idea. Thing is, with "Absentia" ya can't really tell it was shot on such a meager budget aside from the no namers that populate the flick. Flanagan def knows how to get some bang for his buck. Shame he couldn't use that bang to bring more life to his story.
   
     Don't think I am picking on ol Flanie, I just calls it as I see's it. Dude has some good shots though. Love how he did Parks jogging scene, good camera work. Dude def has his moments, but not enough of them. He def did better in his newest effort "Oculus". (Most of the cast here is featured in that film.)
   
     As far as atmosphere is concerned, Flanagan doesn't do bad there either. This fucker is bleak and a sense of hopelessness permeates every scene. Loss and grief are explored, as is the idea of change and moving on. I won't lie, I dug the many layers the film presented, I just wish it all went somewhere.
     The score is kept simple and for the most part is effective. It could be eerie at times. Not always the right times though...
   
     The acting, especially for such a low budget affair is top notch. Aside from the different story, this is probably the strongest part of the whole shabang. Katie Parks turns in a solid performance and helps elevate this film above it's low budget constraints. She's very likable and comes across as a real person struggling to overcome the mistakes she made in the past while attempting to help her sister put things back together in her own life.
     Courtney Bell def gets props too. Not only does she play one of the leads and does a great job, but she was also line producer for the flick as well. Oh and she was really preggers during the shooting. Seven months to be exact. Girl I didn't know you could get down like that?
     Dave Levine and Justin Gordon play the two detectives trying to figure out just what in the sam hell is going on. They don't do a bad job, but can someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with Gordons mouth? Is dude chewing something or does his shit just move like that? Like, is it a palsy or some shit? Shiz was annoying the fuck out of me!
   
     Gorehounds and Pervs, look elsewhere. Nothing to see here, as it should be. This one relies on other elements to deliver it's scares....well...it tries to.

     Ok, so ya got the good. Now for the bad...

     This flick goes no where. The word mediocre comes to mind. We are asked to invest ourselves in Tricia and Callies lives, their struggles, which thanks to decent performances on Bell and Parks part, we are able to do to a degree, but we get  no real pay off. I felt like I got a hand job by a hot asian chick who wasn't sure of what she was doing and ended up with a crappy ending!
     The story's choppy too, like Flanagan wasn't sure which way he wanted to go at times. Ever have an incomplete thought? That's how some of the scene's here came across to me.
     Then there is the scene's that are supposed to be frightening. Yeah...they weren't. The response from the characters to what was happening during these scenes felt all wrong. Not impressed by a monster dragging your loved one away are we? With this type of film, scene's like this are the meat and potatoes. We are supposed to be thrust into the horror that has invaded the lives of these characters we have come to like and care about. But when the characters themselves fail to properly respond, how can we feel anything?
     If Flanagan was attempting to tap into Lovecraft, he failed. Lovecraft made us feel the horror just as much as his characters did. He held us in his hand fully and tightened his grip ever so slowly. His stories stayed with us long after we finished them. If not for Parks sexy ass I'd probably have forgotten this one immediately.
   
    Don't let all the film festival awards on the poster fool you.  "Absentia" had a lot of promise. Good actors, interesting story. But it never grasps it's potential. Which is a damn shame. This easily could have become a classic. Yeah I know it's low budget, but that's not an excuse. "To Jennifer" was shot on an Iphone for next to nothing and managed to be tense and suspenseful. Word has it Flanagan wrote this one in two sittings and it shows. It's just not fleshed out enough and many of the idea's aren't followed through on. A little more time spent refining the script would have seriously benefited this one. It's kinda frustrating actually. This really could have been so much better!
     I give it two blood soaked butcher knives out of five. Look, if ya got nothing better to do one day and ya want to kill two hours and ya can't seem to locate anything better, then MAYBE you could give it a watch. Otherwise, there is just too many better films to see to bother wasting your time with this one. Nuff said!
   
     Sooooo...if a fat man hasn't seen his...ya know, wang doodle in like seven years, does that mean he can have it declared dead in absentia?      
   
                                                                                     

PIIIINOOOOCCHIOOOO!

There's not a scary man behind me....there's not a scary man behind me...

Pardon me. You won't happen to have a cigarette would you?

Wolf Creek 2

Wolf Creek 2 (2014)

Director: Greg McLean
Writer: Greg McLean, Aaron Sterns
Stars: John Jarratt, Ryan Corr, Shannon Ashlyn

My Two-Cents:
     I loved the first "Wolf Creek" (2005)! That shiz was dark, disturbing, and unflinching. Add the fact that it was supposed to be based on a true story, and you had a flick that guaranteed my ass wouldn't be visiting the Outback any time soon.
     When I heard there was going to be a sequel, I was happy as a dingo with a baby. Of course I worried that like so many other sequels, it wouldn't live up to it's predecessor. I mean it did have big shoes to fill.
      Well have no fear sicko's, this fucker delivers!
   
     Seems ol Mick is still up to his old tricks, which is fucking with tourist...and then brutally murdering them. He comes across a young German couple and fucks up their vacation in a major way. When the German girl seeks help from a British gent who wanders by, the would be hero finds himself in Mick's cross hairs, and we all know by now, that ain't a good place to be!

     The acting here is solid. I have no complaints. Ryan Corr does his thing as the unfortunate Brit in the wrong place at the wrong time and really sells it. Shannon Ashlyn does a great job with her brief role as the German lass run a fowl of Big Mick. The girl can act, in German and English! I was kinda upset she didn't get more screen time.
     Without a doubt though, the star here is John Jarratt, who is clearly having a ball playing Aussie psychopath, Mick Taylor. Mick is fleshed out more here than he was in the first go round, and John makes the best of each moment, rattling off funny ass quips and one liners. Dude has charisma! I mean, for a character that is a sick, twisted, murderous, sociopath, he sure is fucking likable! Fucker had me giggling throughout.

     Then there's the catsup. Hey gorehounds! Are you in for one mutha fucking treat! This badboy does not shy away from the catsup in the least, which is mostly done with practical effects. We get beheadings, dismemberments, stabbings galore, nasty gunshot wounds, and my personal fav...exploding kangaroo's!!! Yup, Ol Mick is quite busy in this one.

     Sorry my pervs, no nudity. Personally, doesn't matter. With or without skin, this flick is still solid. Of course a boobie or two wouldn't hurt. Boobies make everything better!

     The score did it's job, creating tension in all the right spots, but it's the songs played in various scenes that really spruce up this shindig! I fucking love the musical selection for this flick! I mean, really, what's better than hearing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" during a high speed chase involving exploding Kangaroo's? Nothing I tell ya!!!

     On a whole, "Wolf Creek 2" really delivered. It amped shit up from the first flick and gave us a closer look at the mind of Mick. (Dude is one cold blooded Honky!) Plus, it kept us guessing as to what was going to happen next. The seeming randomness of all the shit that was happening made everything seem all the more fucked up! Somehow, McLean was able to string it all together in a superb and coherent story. I also liked how McLean wasn't afraid to do things a little different, like having the couple speak German most of the time.
     My only complaint with this flick is that some scene's could have used a bit of a trim as they tended to run a bit long. But it's a minor thing and doesn't really hurt the film.
     In the end, with the state of things in the land of horror lately, it's refreshing to find something that isn't afraid to get down and dirty and give us what we came for: A twisted good time! So if you want to be entertained and have all your horror buttons pushed, you can't go wrong with this one. There's a lot to like here: humor, gore, action. It's a ton of fun and hands down the best horror I've seen so far this year. I give it four blood soaked butcher knives out of five. I wish we could get more flicks like this. Filmmakers take note, this is how you do horror right! Nuff said!
   

                                                                                      

                                        Let's go to Australia you said! It'll be fun you said!!!

                             What did I tell you would happen the next time I caught ya touching yourself?!

                             The real Mick Taylor. The guy Wolf Creek is based on, serial killer Ivan Milat.

Camp Dread

Camp Dread (2014)

Director: Harrison Smith

Writer: Harrison Smith

Stars: Eric Roberts, Felicia Rose, Danielle Harris, Kyle Patrick Brennan

My Two-Cents:
     Ya know, I was actually looking forward to this one. I mean, how could I not? It was billed as an homage to 80's summer camp horrors, complete with Felicia Rose of "Sleepaway Camp" fame, the always delicious Danielle Harris, and the go to 80's villain actor, Eric Roberts. How on earth could this be bad? How indeed my sicko's. How indeed...

     In the 1980's, Summer camp and horror movies went together like big butts and yoga pants. It just worked. Get a bunch horny teenagers, drop them in a camp with barely any adult supervision, and set a maniac loose on them. Voila! Instant fun times!
     I have fond memories of flicks like "Sleepaway Camp", "The Burning", and "Cheerleader Camp" to name a few. Not to mention the "Friday the 13th" flicks. So I went into this flick hoping it would recapture some of the old bloody magic of the films previously mentioned. Not only didn't it come even remotely close to the aforementioned films, but it even managed to piss me off!
   
     Let me give you the run down before I begin dissecting this fucking mess.
     Julian Barrett (Eric Roberts) was the man in the 80's, having directed the very successful "Summer camp" horror trilogy. But then the 80's ended, horror declined, and so did Barretts status in Hollywood.
     Fast forward two decades, and JB has a plan to recapture his old success. He's going to do a reality show based at a summer camp, where teenage contestants will compete as an unknown killer stalks and eliminates them one by one till there is only one left standing. The winner collects a million bucks.
     To do this, he recruits a bunch of misfit teens, each in trouble with the law, to be contestants and brings in the star of his 80's trilogy who is now a trained counselor, Rachel Steele (Felicia Rose), to be camp counselor.
     Everything seems groovy until teens start dropping for realz. There's a real killer on the loose and the contestants are now playing for more than money, they're playing for their lives.
     Sounds good right? Yeah, I thought so too.
   
     Let's start with the acting. It's a real mixed bag here. Eric Roberts gives a good performance as is to be expected from the man. As an actor I feel he doesn't get enough credit. It's a damn shame he is reduced to shite like this. At least he gave us Emma Roberts.
     Beloved Scream Queen Felicia Rose puts in a decent performance. Always fun to see her doing her thing. For some reason IMDB has her listed low on the list of actors in the film. That's fucked up because not only does she have a decent sized role that's important to the plot, but she's also a horror icon. Where's the respect at? Fuck you IMDB!
     Danielle Harris does a good job too as usual.....for all of the 3 minutes she's in the fucking film. No, I'm not bullshitting you. Despite her name getting top billing beside Roberts, her face plastered on the poster, and being all over the fucking trailer, she is only briefly in this flick, and her character really has no bearing on anything. Isn't that fucking great? Don't you love when studios play you? They knew Harris is a large draw with the horror crowd and they probably figured this flick could use all the help it could fucking get, but didn't want to spend the dough to give her a large role, so they gave her a small role, a fucking cameo really. Then they billed her as if she was a lead, knowing it would get us horror fans to buy the fucking movie!

     You misleading muther fuckers! May you all be raped by rabid carebears!
     Ya know, I might have forgiven that (Probably not) if the friggin film was actually any good, but it wasn't, so it's a double insult! Fucking scumbag producers!!
     Anyway, the other actors were ok, nothing to write home about. None of their characters are likable....at all. They are all pieces of shit who deserve to die if only to remove them from humanities gene pool. So basically they're like any of the cast from "The Real World".

     As far as the catsup goes, there really isn't anything impressive here. We've seen it before and we've seen it done better. One scene in particular though, gets the award for most interesting method of killing someone, though it wasn't worth wasting two hours of my life to see.

     There is very little skin on display here my pervs, a titty shot or two. This is interesting considering that this is supposed to be a homage to 80's camp slashers which as everyone who watched them knows, features a fair amount of nudity. It's part of the fucking experience!
     We are teased by the promise of lesbian action, but that shit never comes to fruition. Fuckers!

     Look, I wasn't looking for a masterpiece, most of the movies this turd is supposed to pay homage to were far from masterpieces themselves, but the difference between them and this flick is that they were actually fucking fun! This film is just a let down and a bore. Shit takes too damn long to get going, the story is just dumb and makes no sense, and I felt nothing for the characters. When the ending came I was sitting there scratching my head wondering if there was more. Was that supposed to be clever? Honestly, it felt like the writers didn't know how to fucking end the damn thing and just came up with whatever!
     This one really let me down. They had a good cast and a lot of promise and they blew it. I give it one blood soaked butcher knife. "Ernest goes to Camp" was more entertaining then this shiz. Unless your a diehard Roberts, Rose, or Harris fan, you'll want to avoid this one. Nuff said!
     Somebody get me a heavy ass chain, a large stone, and a canoe stat! I need to go bury this mess at the bottom of Crystal Lake where it can do no harm ever again!
   

God, all I said was "Your sister, Julia, is a great actress Mr. Roberts!"

You mean this is really the script?

Oh Felicia, even you can't save this flick!