Gutterballs

Gutterballs (2008)

Director:  Ryan Nicholson

Writer: Ryan Nicholson

Stars:  Alastair Gamble, Mihola Terzic, Nathan Witte

The Skinny:

      A brutal (and I mean brutal!) rape goes down at a dive bowling alley and ya know what? Someone knows. That someone one is out to get revenge. Hold on to your balls, shiz is about to get messy!

My Two-Cents:

     The moment I saw the poster for this one I knew I had to see it. I mean, they parodied the poster from 'Maniac' a particularly nasty genre gem. (Apparently there are several posters for this flick, each a parody of a slasher classic: 'Halloween', 'Happy Birthday to Me', etc.) I had hopes this was gonna be some kind of homage to those type of films. So was it? Keep reading.

     Soon as this flick starts it becomes clear just exactly what director Ryan Nicholson was going for (If the varied posters based on genre classics didn't already clue you in.). The film looks like it was shot in 1981, with that grainy dark look early 80's slashers always sported. The bowling alley, the cast, even the cars all look like something straight out of a flick from 1982. I really dug that. Flicks from that era had their own thing going that set them apart from shiz that came before and after. This was a fun nostalgic treat!

   
     Now, it's one thing to look like a film from those bygone days, but could it perform like one? Slashers from the golden era ('78-'83) were notorious for being overly violent and sexual. To this day it's rare to find a film that's as brutal as many of those badboys due to the fact the studios are pussies. I've seen enough flicks try to capture the flavor of that era's offerings but fall flat because the film makers lacked the balls to take it to the extreme. Is 'Gutterballs' guilty of this?

     Hell no! Have no fear, this one delivers in spades!

    

      I'm gonna get right to the goods, cause that's what makes this film worthwhile. Gorehounds, you got yourself a new gem to get your fix with! The catsup in this twisted puppy is poured on thick! Entrails, severed heads, bleeding vaginas, cut up penis's (No I'm not joking.) and more! This bitch is on her period and she's flowing like Niagra Falls! You WILL cringe at times, it's that nasty. One particular kill, while not bloody, hands down has the award for most creative (and kinky) way to off two peeps in my book. (Hint: it involves the number '69'. If you don't know what that stands for, why are you here?) The ratings board apparently wanted this baby seriously neutered for it to get an R rating, so Nicholson opted for the NC-17 rating rather than pussy out. Fucking A right dude!

     The effects themselves are pretty well done, especially since it was only Nicholson and one other, Jon Funk, doing them. It's all good old fashioned practical effects. A few things look a wee bit fake, but for the most part, it's gravy. Def wanna rethink eating during this one if you're a pus....er....have a weak stomach.

     

     Speaking of cringe inducing moments, probably the most infamous and controversial thing about this sick throw back is the rape scene. It isn't that long, but it feel's like it goes on forever. It's reeeeeally brutal. Def up there with the rapes from 'Last House on the Left' (Original, not that feces they call a remake.) and 'I Spit on your Grave' I found myself looking away several times. Uncle Ani don't care for rape. Many people took issue with this scene due to the camera constantly showing us close up shots of the poor girls body as she's being violated. It almost seemed the filmmakers were trying to sexualize the rape rather than shock. Director Ryan Nicholson has vehemently denied this, but I have to admit, I had a case of the WTF's while the rape played out. There is nothing sexy about rape. I don't care how hot the girl is, I can't be aroused watching her being horribly violated. I'm a perv, not a psychopath!

     Speaking of perv's, you'll be happy to know the T and A is on full display here. I'm not talking about the rape, you sick puck! Vagina's play peek-a-boo throughout, tops constantly come off, and we are shown a BJ that wasn't pretend. The actress was actually blowing the actor! Talk about method acting!
     Oh and my lusty Nymphs, for once you don't need to feel left out, there are a few sausages on display...unfortunately.

     The acting...well....it's what you'd expect to find in a low-grade early 80's slasher. That is, it was bad.
     Candice Lewald, who plays the rape victim, is the definition of wooden actor. Bless her soul she tries, but beyond looking hot as hell, she doesn't offer much.
     Dan Ellis as the bowling alley employee is pretty entertaining. he had me chuckling more than once.
     Then there's Alastair Gamble, who for some inane reason decided to scream every single fucking line in the damn movie! The term "In-door" voice was totally frigging lost on him. Every scene with him was an experience in tolerance. Seriously, every fucking line dude?!
     The rest of the cast, while certainly colorful, were pretty much forgettable. I mean, they tried, I'll give them that, but thespians they are not.
     Oh, and probably the most used word in the film by every actor is 'fuck'. i'm not kidding. I've read it's used close to 600 times! A drinking game for this flick has been created where you do a shot every time 'fuck' is used. Great for those looking to die of alcohol poisoning as you'll probably polish off a full bottle of jack in ten minutes flat.

     Aside from crappy acting, the film did have other small yet noticeable problems. For one, Nicholson clearly went out of his way to make this flick look like an 80's flick. I was grooving on the retro vibe with the hairstyles and cloths. then a cellphone makes a brief appearance and breaks the illusion. WTF? it didn't even have too serious a function in the film, why would you go to all the trouble to create  a period vibe and then do that? it's like watching "Braveheart" and seeing Mel Gibson whip out a glock! You can do better than that Ryan dude!
     Another problem I had was the ending. Everything was groovy until a particular character is offed. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I mean the twist was good and kept me guessing, but offing that one character seemed wrong on so many levels. That's all I'll say about that.

     Overall, 'Gutterballs' is a fun, nostalgic ride, choke full of the red stuff, tons of nudity, and full of enough genre references to please any hardcore horror fan. It ain't high art, it's a love letter of sorts from horror fans to horror fans. I give it four blood soaked butcher knives. Despite some minor flaws, it still delivers a good time. I mean how can you go wrong with a killer who wears a bowling ball bag on his head?
     Due to certain content, it may not be for everyone. If you offend easily, look elsewhere. Ya been warned.
     Well, that's my word. I'm off to wax my balls!

   
                                                                           

                                    I don't think I'm wearing these right...

                                                                             

We're here to audition for the new John Hughes film.

Yeah! your damn right I feel ridiculous!

Haunt

Haunt (2013)

Director: Mac Carter
Writer: Andrew Barrer
Stars: Harrison Gilbertson, Liana Liberato, Jacki Weaver, Ione Skye

                                     




The Skinny:
     A family moves into a house where the previous owners had a serious run of bad luck. When Evan, the teenage son, makes friends with the girl next door, Sam, the two discover a creepy ass room that contains an old radio that let's them talk to the dead. They quickly decide they should have listened to some tunes instead as the they've opened a door to some nasty shite that dwells in the house.


My Two Cents:
     Since films like 'The Conjuring' and 'Insidious', we've been getting bombarded with 'Haunting' movies left and right. Problem is, most of them suck donkey balls. I mean, the whole 'family moves into a haunted house' thing has been done more times than Jenna Jameson. So I don't expect much when I go into these types of flicks.. 'Haunt' however, had a few surprises, and I must say I dug it.

     Director Mac Carter and writer Andrew Barrer, do a decent job spinning an engaging ghost tale. It grabs our attention right from jump street and doesn't lose it till the credits roll. This bitch uses what we've come to expect in a 'Haunting' film to lull us into a sense of complacency and then shifts gears catching us off guard. I loved how I thought it was going to go one way and ended up going another.

     Compared to other 'haunters', this flick didn't do so well. One of the things I hear people complain about though, is that the film is slow and nothing really happens. Technically that's true, but that's because this isn't meant to be an in your face supernatural flick. It's very much story driven, so if you're looking for something in the vein of 'The Conjuring' your gonna be disappointed.

     Another complaint, and probably the biggest, is the ending. Let's just say it's not a traditional one. I felt like I was sucker punched when the credits began rolling. Like many others I was angry at first, but then it dawned on me that's what I was supposed to feel. When I considered everything, I realized it was brilliant! The best flicks play with your emotions and expectations. 'Haunt' did that perfectly and I applaud that. Sometimes we're left with questions, and not all of them have answers.

     As I said, this one is story driven, but as interesting as the story was, this flick could have easily fallen apart if they cast the wrong actors. No worries there though, the peeps they got held it down like pros.
     Harrison Gilbertson plays Evan, who is sorta a misunderstood teen trying to figure shiz out. Gilbertson gives the character heart and makes him likable.
     Liana Liberato as Sam damn near steals the show. The girl has some serious acting chops. Her character is a wee bit complex and required Liana to shift gears quite often which she does perfectly. You're never quite sure of Sam. She creates a sense of unease whenever she's around, yet you find yourself liking her at the same time.
     The film is set squarely on Gilbertson and Liberato's shoulders. This is their story. It's obvious the two had chemistry which was a good thing, because without it, the film would have imploded.
     Jacki Weaver shows us why she's a two time Oscar nominee. Easily the best performance in the film and that's saying something because she doesn't get a lot of screen time. Somehow I felt sorry for her and frightened of her at the same time. The lady does scary well.
     The rest of the cast, sadly, was under used, and that brings me to one of my complaints. Danielle Chuchran is a fine actress and her character was interesting, but they don't do much with her and that's a shame. I felt she could have really added something to the film. Same goes for Ella Harris. Her character had potential but ultimately she goes no where. Ione Skye and Brian Wimmer round things off as the very laid back parents (Wish my parents let me have a hot girl sleep over in my bed.), but they may as well have been extras for all the little they were given to do. Ione Skye ('Say Anything', 'Four Rooms') is a great actress and it's crazy they didn't utilize her more.

     The special effects are of the CGI variety, but they're done well and not overused. They're there to create atmosphere and keep us on our toes. Not to visually amaze us. Speaking of atmosphere, filming in the snow was def a good move, even if it wasn't planned that way (Started snowing while they were filming and they decided to keep going.) it really creates an almost desolate vibe. You feel an unnerving sense of silent dread even when they aren't in the house. I also loved how the filmmakers made sure to let us know that the characters were never alone, even if they thought they were. This upped the tension a great deal and created an almost claustrophobic feeling.

     So how about blood, is there blood huh, is there? I think it goes without saying that there's no catsup in this, did you really think there was? It's a ghost story, not a slasher yo! We do get some really messed up shots of of three kids corpses.
     As for nudity, we're teased by Liberato in a couple scenes, but other than that, nada. Deal wit it!

     The score was done well. The creepy violins playing softly in the background kept me alert and created a sense of dread throughout. Many movies like this go overboard with their score, but 'Haunt' kept it understated which fit the tone perfectly.

     So aside from the under used cast, do I have other complaints? Well yeah, I do. As I stated, this film is very subtle in how it tells the story, sometimes too subtle. You really gotta pay attention to this bitch or your going to end up lost. Certain things are never fully answered and your left filling in the blanks yourself. It's never a good idea to use supposition as a way to tell a story.
     That said, many of the answers are there, even sometimes in plain sight, but they ain't always easy to pick up on and sometimes they can be pretty damn vague. I understand what Carter was going for, and I picked up on most of the bread crumbs he cleverly left, but your average audience isn't interested in thinking too much when they see a flick and as a result, they end up frustrated and hating the movie because they don't understand what's going on. Judging from the feedback I've read, that's exactly what happened. A few tidbits here and there to explain certain things wouldn't have hurt.
   
     Flaws aside though, this flick is still an interesting fling. The filmmakers tried to give us a spin on the ghost story we haven't seen yet and to some degree they succeed. The usual cliches are there and we find ourselves once again wondering why the hell they're staying in the house, but all that can be forgiven thanks to the engaging story and great cast.
     With all the crap 'Haunting' films polluting our screens, you could do far worse than 'Haunt'. No, it's not completely original and it's far from perfect, but if you're willing to invest yourself in the story, pay close attention, and do a little thinking, you'll be rewarded with an eerie little experience that'll have you thinking long after the credits roll.
     Like I said, this ain't 'The Conjuring', it's a slow paced ghost story that uses atmosphere and misdirection to get under our skin. If that ain't your bag, don't bother with this one cause you'll hate it.
     I give it three blood soaked butcher knives out of five, because while not perfect, in the end it did what it set out to do, which was to creep me out, keep me interested, and and toy with my emotions. Nuff said.
   
                                                                           

                        Whatya mean I didn't look like this at the club last night?

                                                                                   

                  This is my hammer! there are many like it, but this one is mine!

                                                                               

                                    Oh snap! It's 'Happy'! This my jam!

Absentia

Absentia (2011)

Director: Mike Flanagan

Writer: Mike Flanagan

Stars: Katie Parks, Courtney Bell, Dave Levine

The Dirt:
   
     Tricia's (Courtney Bell) husband has been missing for seven years, long enough to be declared dead in absentia. As she prepares to sign the forms to declare him toast and also give birth to a baby by a man she has begun seeing recently (SLUT!), Callie (The yummy Katie Parker) her ex-junkie sister, comes to live with her and help her through this trying time. Shiz get's a lot more trying though as something sinister rears it's ugly head out of a tunnel down the street from them. This something may be involved in Tricia's husband's disappearance as well as others. This something may be not of this world. This something may have it's eye on Tricia and Callie. This something.....well you get the point.



My Two-Cents:
   
     Man, I wanted to like this flick. I really did. Had so much potential. Yet in the end, like bad sex with that beautiful woman with the bangin' body you swore would be a freak in the bed, it let me down.
     I heard a lot of people compare this film to H.P. Lovecraft's work. These people are high. Yes, it displayed a bleak, depressing story where the horrors of the unknown invade the normal everyday lives of average people. But a Lovecraft story these elements alone, do not make.
     Look, I'm a HUGE Lovecraft fan. Dude really knew how to ignite the imagination and tap into our fears of the unknown. Insanity, unspeakable horrors, forgotten legends; this was the stuff good ol H.P. traded in. His work took an everyday person and with no warning or even a reason, dropped them into a situation so terrifying and full of unspeakable horror, that we, the reader, were left dumbstruck and chilled. These weren't tangible horror's, these were thing's just beyond the pale. Thing's we couldn't quite grasp no matter how much we tried, but that were without a doubt, pure, unadulterated evil.
     But it was more than those elements that made Lovecraft's tales work so damn well. Dude was a master of pacing. He knew how to draw the story out at a slow burn pace yet kept us interested and on the edge of our seats the whole time while all the pieces came together, drawing us ever closer to a dark revelation. Reading one of his stories was like standing in front of a body covered by a sheet listening to the gruesome details of the person's demise and being told the awful condition the body is in. Knowing that you're going to look under that sheet in the end and that it's going to be fucked up!
     THIS was what "Absentia" was missing. This is why, to me, the film falls flat. But I digress. (Not really.)

     Before I get into what I feel are the reasons this flick failed, allow me to point out some of the good shite. Some things are worth mentioning in all fairness.
   
     I have to admit that the concept here is an interesting one, even creepy. Flanagan gets points for trying something different. These types of flicks (Ya know, something spooky is happening and only one person knows the truth but no one believes them.) tend to be paint by numbers these days, so dude gets credit for bucking the norm.
     I also gotta give Flanagan props for making this film on a grocery budget. Seriously! It was funded by a Kickstarter campaign and totaled 25,000 bucks. Steven Spielberg gives out larger tips for blow jobs! The movie "Clerks" from Kevin Smith cost more money (27,000), just to give you an idea. Thing is, with "Absentia" ya can't really tell it was shot on such a meager budget aside from the no namers that populate the flick. Flanagan def knows how to get some bang for his buck. Shame he couldn't use that bang to bring more life to his story.
   
     Don't think I am picking on ol Flanie, I just calls it as I see's it. Dude has some good shots though. Love how he did Parks jogging scene, good camera work. Dude def has his moments, but not enough of them. He def did better in his newest effort "Oculus". (Most of the cast here is featured in that film.)
   
     As far as atmosphere is concerned, Flanagan doesn't do bad there either. This fucker is bleak and a sense of hopelessness permeates every scene. Loss and grief are explored, as is the idea of change and moving on. I won't lie, I dug the many layers the film presented, I just wish it all went somewhere.
     The score is kept simple and for the most part is effective. It could be eerie at times. Not always the right times though...
   
     The acting, especially for such a low budget affair is top notch. Aside from the different story, this is probably the strongest part of the whole shabang. Katie Parks turns in a solid performance and helps elevate this film above it's low budget constraints. She's very likable and comes across as a real person struggling to overcome the mistakes she made in the past while attempting to help her sister put things back together in her own life.
     Courtney Bell def gets props too. Not only does she play one of the leads and does a great job, but she was also line producer for the flick as well. Oh and she was really preggers during the shooting. Seven months to be exact. Girl I didn't know you could get down like that?
     Dave Levine and Justin Gordon play the two detectives trying to figure out just what in the sam hell is going on. They don't do a bad job, but can someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with Gordons mouth? Is dude chewing something or does his shit just move like that? Like, is it a palsy or some shit? Shiz was annoying the fuck out of me!
   
     Gorehounds and Pervs, look elsewhere. Nothing to see here, as it should be. This one relies on other elements to deliver it's scares....well...it tries to.

     Ok, so ya got the good. Now for the bad...

     This flick goes no where. The word mediocre comes to mind. We are asked to invest ourselves in Tricia and Callies lives, their struggles, which thanks to decent performances on Bell and Parks part, we are able to do to a degree, but we get  no real pay off. I felt like I got a hand job by a hot asian chick who wasn't sure of what she was doing and ended up with a crappy ending!
     The story's choppy too, like Flanagan wasn't sure which way he wanted to go at times. Ever have an incomplete thought? That's how some of the scene's here came across to me.
     Then there is the scene's that are supposed to be frightening. Yeah...they weren't. The response from the characters to what was happening during these scenes felt all wrong. Not impressed by a monster dragging your loved one away are we? With this type of film, scene's like this are the meat and potatoes. We are supposed to be thrust into the horror that has invaded the lives of these characters we have come to like and care about. But when the characters themselves fail to properly respond, how can we feel anything?
     If Flanagan was attempting to tap into Lovecraft, he failed. Lovecraft made us feel the horror just as much as his characters did. He held us in his hand fully and tightened his grip ever so slowly. His stories stayed with us long after we finished them. If not for Parks sexy ass I'd probably have forgotten this one immediately.
   
    Don't let all the film festival awards on the poster fool you.  "Absentia" had a lot of promise. Good actors, interesting story. But it never grasps it's potential. Which is a damn shame. This easily could have become a classic. Yeah I know it's low budget, but that's not an excuse. "To Jennifer" was shot on an Iphone for next to nothing and managed to be tense and suspenseful. Word has it Flanagan wrote this one in two sittings and it shows. It's just not fleshed out enough and many of the idea's aren't followed through on. A little more time spent refining the script would have seriously benefited this one. It's kinda frustrating actually. This really could have been so much better!
     I give it two blood soaked butcher knives out of five. Look, if ya got nothing better to do one day and ya want to kill two hours and ya can't seem to locate anything better, then MAYBE you could give it a watch. Otherwise, there is just too many better films to see to bother wasting your time with this one. Nuff said!
   
     Sooooo...if a fat man hasn't seen his...ya know, wang doodle in like seven years, does that mean he can have it declared dead in absentia?      
   
                                                                                     

PIIIINOOOOCCHIOOOO!

There's not a scary man behind me....there's not a scary man behind me...

Pardon me. You won't happen to have a cigarette would you?

Wolf Creek 2

Wolf Creek 2 (2014)

Director: Greg McLean
Writer: Greg McLean, Aaron Sterns
Stars: John Jarratt, Ryan Corr, Shannon Ashlyn

My Two-Cents:
     I loved the first "Wolf Creek" (2005)! That shiz was dark, disturbing, and unflinching. Add the fact that it was supposed to be based on a true story, and you had a flick that guaranteed my ass wouldn't be visiting the Outback any time soon.
     When I heard there was going to be a sequel, I was happy as a dingo with a baby. Of course I worried that like so many other sequels, it wouldn't live up to it's predecessor. I mean it did have big shoes to fill.
      Well have no fear sicko's, this fucker delivers!
   
     Seems ol Mick is still up to his old tricks, which is fucking with tourist...and then brutally murdering them. He comes across a young German couple and fucks up their vacation in a major way. When the German girl seeks help from a British gent who wanders by, the would be hero finds himself in Mick's cross hairs, and we all know by now, that ain't a good place to be!

     The acting here is solid. I have no complaints. Ryan Corr does his thing as the unfortunate Brit in the wrong place at the wrong time and really sells it. Shannon Ashlyn does a great job with her brief role as the German lass run a fowl of Big Mick. The girl can act, in German and English! I was kinda upset she didn't get more screen time.
     Without a doubt though, the star here is John Jarratt, who is clearly having a ball playing Aussie psychopath, Mick Taylor. Mick is fleshed out more here than he was in the first go round, and John makes the best of each moment, rattling off funny ass quips and one liners. Dude has charisma! I mean, for a character that is a sick, twisted, murderous, sociopath, he sure is fucking likable! Fucker had me giggling throughout.

     Then there's the catsup. Hey gorehounds! Are you in for one mutha fucking treat! This badboy does not shy away from the catsup in the least, which is mostly done with practical effects. We get beheadings, dismemberments, stabbings galore, nasty gunshot wounds, and my personal fav...exploding kangaroo's!!! Yup, Ol Mick is quite busy in this one.

     Sorry my pervs, no nudity. Personally, doesn't matter. With or without skin, this flick is still solid. Of course a boobie or two wouldn't hurt. Boobies make everything better!

     The score did it's job, creating tension in all the right spots, but it's the songs played in various scenes that really spruce up this shindig! I fucking love the musical selection for this flick! I mean, really, what's better than hearing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" during a high speed chase involving exploding Kangaroo's? Nothing I tell ya!!!

     On a whole, "Wolf Creek 2" really delivered. It amped shit up from the first flick and gave us a closer look at the mind of Mick. (Dude is one cold blooded Honky!) Plus, it kept us guessing as to what was going to happen next. The seeming randomness of all the shit that was happening made everything seem all the more fucked up! Somehow, McLean was able to string it all together in a superb and coherent story. I also liked how McLean wasn't afraid to do things a little different, like having the couple speak German most of the time.
     My only complaint with this flick is that some scene's could have used a bit of a trim as they tended to run a bit long. But it's a minor thing and doesn't really hurt the film.
     In the end, with the state of things in the land of horror lately, it's refreshing to find something that isn't afraid to get down and dirty and give us what we came for: A twisted good time! So if you want to be entertained and have all your horror buttons pushed, you can't go wrong with this one. There's a lot to like here: humor, gore, action. It's a ton of fun and hands down the best horror I've seen so far this year. I give it four blood soaked butcher knives out of five. I wish we could get more flicks like this. Filmmakers take note, this is how you do horror right! Nuff said!
   

                                                                                      

                                        Let's go to Australia you said! It'll be fun you said!!!

                             What did I tell you would happen the next time I caught ya touching yourself?!

                             The real Mick Taylor. The guy Wolf Creek is based on, serial killer Ivan Milat.

Camp Dread

Camp Dread (2014)

Director: Harrison Smith

Writer: Harrison Smith

Stars: Eric Roberts, Felicia Rose, Danielle Harris, Kyle Patrick Brennan

My Two-Cents:
     Ya know, I was actually looking forward to this one. I mean, how could I not? It was billed as an homage to 80's summer camp horrors, complete with Felicia Rose of "Sleepaway Camp" fame, the always delicious Danielle Harris, and the go to 80's villain actor, Eric Roberts. How on earth could this be bad? How indeed my sicko's. How indeed...

     In the 1980's, Summer camp and horror movies went together like big butts and yoga pants. It just worked. Get a bunch horny teenagers, drop them in a camp with barely any adult supervision, and set a maniac loose on them. Voila! Instant fun times!
     I have fond memories of flicks like "Sleepaway Camp", "The Burning", and "Cheerleader Camp" to name a few. Not to mention the "Friday the 13th" flicks. So I went into this flick hoping it would recapture some of the old bloody magic of the films previously mentioned. Not only didn't it come even remotely close to the aforementioned films, but it even managed to piss me off!
   
     Let me give you the run down before I begin dissecting this fucking mess.
     Julian Barrett (Eric Roberts) was the man in the 80's, having directed the very successful "Summer camp" horror trilogy. But then the 80's ended, horror declined, and so did Barretts status in Hollywood.
     Fast forward two decades, and JB has a plan to recapture his old success. He's going to do a reality show based at a summer camp, where teenage contestants will compete as an unknown killer stalks and eliminates them one by one till there is only one left standing. The winner collects a million bucks.
     To do this, he recruits a bunch of misfit teens, each in trouble with the law, to be contestants and brings in the star of his 80's trilogy who is now a trained counselor, Rachel Steele (Felicia Rose), to be camp counselor.
     Everything seems groovy until teens start dropping for realz. There's a real killer on the loose and the contestants are now playing for more than money, they're playing for their lives.
     Sounds good right? Yeah, I thought so too.
   
     Let's start with the acting. It's a real mixed bag here. Eric Roberts gives a good performance as is to be expected from the man. As an actor I feel he doesn't get enough credit. It's a damn shame he is reduced to shite like this. At least he gave us Emma Roberts.
     Beloved Scream Queen Felicia Rose puts in a decent performance. Always fun to see her doing her thing. For some reason IMDB has her listed low on the list of actors in the film. That's fucked up because not only does she have a decent sized role that's important to the plot, but she's also a horror icon. Where's the respect at? Fuck you IMDB!
     Danielle Harris does a good job too as usual.....for all of the 3 minutes she's in the fucking film. No, I'm not bullshitting you. Despite her name getting top billing beside Roberts, her face plastered on the poster, and being all over the fucking trailer, she is only briefly in this flick, and her character really has no bearing on anything. Isn't that fucking great? Don't you love when studios play you? They knew Harris is a large draw with the horror crowd and they probably figured this flick could use all the help it could fucking get, but didn't want to spend the dough to give her a large role, so they gave her a small role, a fucking cameo really. Then they billed her as if she was a lead, knowing it would get us horror fans to buy the fucking movie!

     You misleading muther fuckers! May you all be raped by rabid carebears!
     Ya know, I might have forgiven that (Probably not) if the friggin film was actually any good, but it wasn't, so it's a double insult! Fucking scumbag producers!!
     Anyway, the other actors were ok, nothing to write home about. None of their characters are likable....at all. They are all pieces of shit who deserve to die if only to remove them from humanities gene pool. So basically they're like any of the cast from "The Real World".

     As far as the catsup goes, there really isn't anything impressive here. We've seen it before and we've seen it done better. One scene in particular though, gets the award for most interesting method of killing someone, though it wasn't worth wasting two hours of my life to see.

     There is very little skin on display here my pervs, a titty shot or two. This is interesting considering that this is supposed to be a homage to 80's camp slashers which as everyone who watched them knows, features a fair amount of nudity. It's part of the fucking experience!
     We are teased by the promise of lesbian action, but that shit never comes to fruition. Fuckers!

     Look, I wasn't looking for a masterpiece, most of the movies this turd is supposed to pay homage to were far from masterpieces themselves, but the difference between them and this flick is that they were actually fucking fun! This film is just a let down and a bore. Shit takes too damn long to get going, the story is just dumb and makes no sense, and I felt nothing for the characters. When the ending came I was sitting there scratching my head wondering if there was more. Was that supposed to be clever? Honestly, it felt like the writers didn't know how to fucking end the damn thing and just came up with whatever!
     This one really let me down. They had a good cast and a lot of promise and they blew it. I give it one blood soaked butcher knife. "Ernest goes to Camp" was more entertaining then this shiz. Unless your a diehard Roberts, Rose, or Harris fan, you'll want to avoid this one. Nuff said!
     Somebody get me a heavy ass chain, a large stone, and a canoe stat! I need to go bury this mess at the bottom of Crystal Lake where it can do no harm ever again!
   

God, all I said was "Your sister, Julia, is a great actress Mr. Roberts!"

You mean this is really the script?

Oh Felicia, even you can't save this flick!

   
   

Absurd

Absurd (1981)

Director: Peter Newton (Joe D'Amato)
Writer: John Cant (George Eastman)
Stars: George Eastman, Annie Belle, Charles Borromel

      

My Two-Cents:

     Say what you will about Joe D'Amato (Billed as Peter newton here), but dude makes some interesting, if not cheap, flicks. He gave us the vastly under-appreciated "Beyond the Darkness" (1979) and then treated us to the gory romp "Anthropophagus" (1980). A year later he gave us the film I'm reviewing, "Absurd"...or "Horrible, or Anthropophagus 2" or "Monster Hunter" or The Grim Reaper 2" or whatever the fuck it's called! It has a lot of names!
     It needs to be mentioned that this flick is NOT a sequel to "Anthropophagus" in any way despite it often being labeled as such. It's a completely different film. In some markets it was billed as the sequel to D'Amato's earlier film because that film was a hit and greedy producers were hoping to bamboozle movie goers into shelling out their hard earned dough by letting them think they were going to see a sequel. Dicks.
   
     Anyhoo, here's the plot: A lunatic escapes from a mental asylum and goes on a murderous rampage. His doctor teams up with the local police to try to find and stop him. The Lunatic eventually finds his way to a house where two kids are being watched by a young female babysitter. Sound familiar? Yeah, John carpenters gonna be pissed!
     In 1978 the world was introduced to Carpenters baby, "Halloween". Michael Myers was born and so was the slasher genre. Fast forward to 1981. Halloween had a successful sequel and a popular TV run. It's influence was still very strong as could be seen by the many clones cluttering the cinema's at the time. Clearly D'Amato caught the "Halloween" bug, because "Absurd" def borrows from the classic slasher. I say "borrows" even though other people say "Rips off" because while the structure of the film follows that of "Halloween" there is enough differences for "Absurd" to stand on it's own.
   
     Aside from writing the screenplay (Though under the name John Cant.) as he did in "Anthropophagus", big George Eastman play's the lunatic...again. He's fun to watch but there really is no difference between the psycho he played in "Anthropophagus" and the one he plays here except in this flick he has a "Healing Factor". Oh yeah, forgot to mention that. George is essentially Wolverine on PCP here. His body is able to quickly heal from just about any attack on it. Bullets, knives, fire, etc.
     The rest of the acting? Well, while nobody was in danger of winning an Oscar, it's not horrible. I mean it won't have you rolling your eyes...too much. The dubbing wasn't too bad either.
   
     Probably this films biggest strong point is it's liberal use of catsup. D'Amato packs this bitch with lot's of yummy scenes. My gorehounds won't be let down. This one def up's the slaughter. However, while "Absurd" delivers more scenes of carnage, none of them really have the impact the two infamous scenes in "Anthropophagus" had. So it's a trade off. That's not to say there isn't some brutal shiz waiting for your sick ass. The gore effects are done pretty well for a low budget affair. Then again, the Italians never cease to amaze me when it comes to their skills with catsup.
     For my money though, it's all about the oven scene. D'Amato deserves a gold star for that one. Did that shite perfect. I really felt for that character! Plus I was yelling at another character to "hurry the fuck up" like Ralph Kramden
     The ending is supposed to be shocking. While it is visually interesting and I guess disturbing, I couldn't help laughing. Not sure why. Maybe I forgot to take my meds before watching this flick that day. The scene just struck me as...well....absurd.
   
     Now I know my pervs are waiting to hear about the oodles of flesh on display, I mean it is an Italian film after all. A D'Amato film to boot. Gotta be some goodies, right? Alas, me pervs, there be no nudity to see here. None at all. Well, the ladies get to see Big George's bare chest. Bout it. Sorry.
   
     The score throughout is pretty decent. It helps build tension in the right places and adds to the general sense of foreboding, though one of the song's that play's whenever psycho George is around, sounds like the poor man's version of the "Halloween" theme. I'm sure that's just coincidence... Yeah, and I'm sure that chick I banged last week didn't know she had the Clap.
   
     So how does it all tally up in the end? Is it as good as "Anthropophagus"? Well, that's not really a fair question. In my opinion they are two different kinds of films. "Anthropophagus" is more in the vein of flicks like "TCM" (If you don't know what that stands for quickly back away from this review and never stain my sites with your horror ineptitude.) and "The Hill's Have Eyes", while "Absurd" is more a slasher (Ya think? It only copied the granddaddy of slashers.) So comparing the two is apples and oranges.
     However, personally speaking, I felt "Anthropophagus" was a more effective film in terms of tension and atmosphere. Eastman's nutjob was hardly seen until mid way through the flick and then mostly in shadows. Made his character more threatening. In "Absurd" we meet the killer in the first minute of the flick and there is barely any build up to his attacks. We know when he is about to do some crazy shiz. Given D'Amato "borrowed" so much from "Halloween" you'd have thought he'd have "borrowed" some suspense.
     Still, Eastman's character does have a menace about him, after all, he's fucking seven feet tall,  unstoppable, and several sandwiches short a picnic basket! I sure as hell wouldn't want to run a fowl of his ass!
     At the end of the day, while I enjoyed "Anthropophagus" more, I still found "Absurd" entertaining. It's far from perfect, but the kills are fun and messy and the story, which at times makes no fucking sense, manages to keep your attention. The "Healing" thing is kinda cool and different too.
     I give this one two and a half blood soaked butcher knives. It's not perfect, but it still entertains. However, as I warned in my review of "Anthropophagus", if you don't like Italian horror, your probably not gonna care for this flick. Italian horrors are an aquired taste, like one legged strippers. So think about that before you decide to watch this one.
     Well, that be my word. Fire up the ol VCR and give this one a go. Me? Well I gotta run, left something in the oven.
*Note: After you see the flick you'll get that last joke. Probably still won't be funny, but you'll get it.
   

I think I feel a headache coming on...

Anybody got a band-aid?

Hey there! Just thought I'd pop by and share a refreshing Dr. Pepper! 

It makes the world taste better!

     
     

Evil Toons

Evil Toons (1992)

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writers: Fred Olen ray

Stars: David Carradine, Dick Miller, Madison Stone, Stacey Six

My Two-Cents:

     So I originally caught this movie on "USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear" (She had me "Up" all night alright!) back in the day. I liked it then and I like it now, which is amazing when you stop and consider it. I mean, this flick has a lot of flaws, such as: A.) The title says "Evil TOONS". "TOONS" as in plural, when actually there is only one and we don't see him very often. B.) The acting is porno level. (There's a reason for that though.) C.) The story makes absolutely no fucking sense! 

     But I'll be damned if this bitch ain't pretty entertaining!

      Lore has it, director Fred Olen Ray, who also did the obscure yet worthy "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" and later a ton of softcore porn, pitched the idea for this flick to legendary low-budget producer Roger Corman and promised he could do it for only $250,000. Corman passed though, on the grounds that...and get this...he felt the budget was TOO LOW! Wow, I didn't think there was a budget low enough for the King of Schlock!

     Anyway, Ray was determined to make the flick, so he scrounged up $140,000 dollars, an insanely low amount of money to make a film with, even then, and somehow managed to deliver a film that is both silly and fun. I mean you know just what your in for when the movie starts with a disclaimer stating what you are about to see is a true story!

     

     So what's it about you ask, well let me tell ya! 

     Four smoking hot babes who work for a cleaning service (If cleaning ladies really looked like that I'd be one messy sonofagun!) are sent to an old spooky house for the weekend to clean it up for the peeps who just bought the place. Little do they know, the place has a gruesome past: It's haunted by David Carradine! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

     Ok, it's also home to an evil book that looks suspiciously like a certain Necronomicon...but I digress. Like all evil books, it contains spells to raise evil monsters. The ladies get the book and are warned not to read from it. So what do the four cleaning bimbo's do? Yup, they read from the fucking book. Faster then you can say Hanna-Barbera, a demon toon is summoned and the fun begins.

     Like I said, the acting is terrible. Well, the always welcome Dick Miller is the exception. Dude is always great in whatever he's in. 

     Remember I said the acting was porno level? Well aside from the fact that the director now does softcore porn, two of the actresses are porn stars! Madison Stone and Stacey Nix know their way around a penis, and because they aren't afraid to sport their birthday suits around a camera, they were offered roles in the film. Stone, despite her porn acting, manages to be pretty likable, and not just because she's nude most of the time. She manages to put a little more into her performance then the other girls. What? I don't know, but it's there.

     The late David Carradine isn't horrible, but the dialogue he has doesn't do him any favors. I don't know how the hell he kept a straight face while delivering them!

     Now usually acting this bad would sink a movie, but not this bitch! The actors know they aren't in a  contender for an Oscar nomination and you can tell their having a blast. 

     The animation effects weren't too bad, and the actors at least did a decent job of pretending to interact with it. I mean it ain't fucking Roger Rabbit or nothing, but it worked. Only problem is the "toon" isn't around much. Ya see, the little fucker can morph into real people, which he does a lot. Yeah, don't try to figure that out, just go with it.  

     

     On the downside, my gorehounds are gonna be seriously let down here. There is very little catsup on display. Half of it is animated. Sorry...

     ...my Pervs though, boy do I have good news for you! We get treated to some of the most beautiful breast this side of the Playboy mansion! Plus, Madison Stone gives us a very sultry little strip dance that is worth the price of admission alone! Ah, fun times!

     So, you may be asking, aside from the nudity, what is so entertaining about this flick? First off, there's lots of nudity. Second there's lots of nudity. Third, this film does not take itself seriously in the least. The filmmakers knew this wasn't going to be the next big horror flick. They made a cheap film that delivers bad laugh out loud dialogue, a different yet nutty plot, and acting so crappy it'll have your sick ass cracking up!

     What can I say? Despite being awful in so many ways, it still manages to be a butt load of fun. This is camp with a capital "C". I mean, we get scene's like the one where Dick Miller's character is watching "Buckets of Blood" starring...Dick Miller! We also get to witness what has to be the first sexual assault on a female by a cartoon character! Then there's the toon himself who delivers some priceless lines like "You little bitch! I'll get even with you in the sequel for this!" which almost made me spit out my Yuengling!

     The filmmakers walked a fine line between campy fun and shitty film and managed to maintain the former. This one gets three blood soaked butcher knives cause sometimes I like to kick back, turn off my brain, smoke a J, and just be entertained. For my money, "Evil Toons" let's me do just that. Nuff said!

     Now if we can just get a porn where real people screw cartoons. The toons gotta be Disney Princess's though. Yeah, definitely Disney Princess's. Especially Jasmine...I love me some Jasmine! She can rub my magic lamp any day! Little Arabian slut! Uh...what was I talking about?

    

                                                  I call this position "The Walt Disney"!

                                       Hey, check out these tits, there as big as my head!

                                    And then the ghost of David Carradine appeared! AAAAHHHH!!!